Improve Your Relationships

What most people are longing for and yet feel is missing from their life is a good relationship. We yearn for "true" love or to be "in" love.
Why is it that we have such a difficult time with this? Why are most problems we encounter in our lives about our closet relationship?

We feel disconnected, negatively judged and critisized. We can feel adequate and competent in all other areas of our lives and not feel that way with our partners, parents, children, etc. Our focus is on what's wrong with me or what's wrong with them!

Let's first look what factors are involved in what creates a positive and nuturing relationship...
Primarily it seems important that we feel acknowledged and supported. If there is judgement, it is expressed and utilized in a positive manner. Feeling acknowledged allows us to hear "constructive critisism", it allows us to feel the information is being provided with good intent, not a reminder of our inadequacies.

When this occurs, we are suspending our need to be right about something and listening to another's perspective or opinion on something. We can then encourage them to explore why they have the opinion that they have and to open up a dialogue where there is an information exchange... just ideas, thoughts and feelings, not judgement with implied righteousness.

It invites a sense of curiosity which helps each person find out more about each other. Not just what you are thinking, but why. Where does your information come from? Why do you feel that something is important.

It is then important to acknowledge that information and to, again, expore it further. It helps to identify obstacles that we may have in terms of the process of or discussion... are we really listening or are we busy feeling judged or thinking about what WE need to say next, or feeling unheard. It is the removal or suspension of these obstacles which allows for a closer connection and improved communication.

Your choice to be with someone in particular in your life is more about preferences and tolerances, not about whether you care about that person or not. Of course, the care needs to be there to begin with, but it does not create a longer term satisfying relationship. Being able to air your differences about those preferences and tolerances with a positive goal of improving the relationship is a process which can grow daily.

Identify a time in the day when you can share your day with each other... be honest... no secrets. Don't just report your day, talk and ask questions about how you feel about your day. Build a relationship filled with integrity. Remember as you are sharing, suspend judgement and your need to be right. Acknowledge and explore each others ideas.

You will feel more connected and closer as a result.

Until later,

Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/

info@CounsellingandMediation.com
(905) 510-9117
(705) 443-8290

Sensitve?

Our sensitivities are indicators of our inner projections... the thoughts or beliefs that we hold to be true. The indicators are critical to pay attention to.

I'll give you an example...

I go shopping and pick up 4 bags of groceries and bring them home. As my loving wife is helping me unload the groceries, she notices that I've forgotten an item, say, eggs. She point this out to me in an observational manner, "you forgot the eggs".

On a good day...
I hear the "observation". I don't take it personally nor do I feel threatened by the comment. It's simply a comment... information. I may respond with "do we need them today?" or "would you like me to get some later?"...

On not a good day.... (I'll describe later what this means)
I hear the comment and take it personally as a negative judgment and feel hurt and defensive. I quickly go through a cycle of self-comments, most of the time I am not aware I am doing this...

My self-comments will regarding assumptions of what I think she's really thinking... I always forget things, I can't shop properly, I can't do anything properly, I can't be trusted, I'm inadequate, I'm incompetent, .... and on and on... until the inevitable ending comment... I know you hate me! or I know you don't want to be with me!...

I know, I know, ridiculous thoughts, unfounded in reality. So where then, do they come from? What makes them seem so real?

They exist in our minds as a reality that we are convinced of at the time.
Our minds are that powerful that we can make a non-reality, a reality.

These thoughts exist because they are a belief that we hold to be true about ourselves. Beliefs that we do not want to recognize because to do so feels counterproductive, bordering on psychosis. However, the belief must be there and is seen as a sensitivity that we react to.

Which is why it's so important to pay attention to them when they occur.
We don't immediately recognize them as sensitvities because we're busy being defensive, irritated, angry and blaming.

As important as it is, it's not an easy nor comfortable process to work through. If you find yourself in a similar situation, try to catch yourself or at least to remember the situation and the inner thoughts and feelings you may have been experiencing. I'd suggest writing the situation and responding feelings down first and then having a look at them later.

It's often very helpful to work with someone else not as invested in the situation to help you work through the process. Talk to a counsellor who is willing to explore the indicators until you're more comfortable doing this yourself.

Until later,
Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
info@CounsellingandMediation.com
(905) 510-9117
(705) 443-8290