Why is it that we have such a difficult time with this? Why are most problems we encounter in our lives about our closet relationship?
We feel disconnected, negatively judged and critisized. We can feel adequate and competent in all other areas of our lives and not feel that way with our partners, parents, children, etc. Our focus is on what's wrong with me or what's wrong with them!
Let's first look what factors are involved in what creates a positive and nuturing relationship...
Primarily it seems important that we feel acknowledged and supported. If there is judgement, it is expressed and utilized in a positive manner. Feeling acknowledged allows us to hear "constructive critisism", it allows us to feel the information is being provided with good intent, not a reminder of our inadequacies.
When this occurs, we are suspending our need to be right about something and listening to another's perspective or opinion on something. We can then encourage them to explore why they have the opinion that they have and to open up a dialogue where there is an information exchange... just ideas, thoughts and feelings, not judgement with implied righteousness.
It is then important to acknowledge that information and to, again, expore it further. It helps to identify obstacles that we may have in terms of the process of or discussion... are we really listening or are we busy feeling judged or thinking about what WE need to say next, or feeling unheard. It is the removal or suspension of these obstacles which allows for a closer connection and improved communication.
Your choice to be with someone in particular in your life is more about preferences and tolerances, not about whether you care about that person or not. Of course, the care needs to be there to begin with, but it does not create a longer term satisfying relationship. Being able to air your differences about those preferences and tolerances with a positive goal of improving the relationship is a process which can grow daily.
Identify a time in the day when you can share your day with each other... be honest... no secrets. Don't just report your day, talk and ask questions about how you feel about your day. Build a relationship filled with integrity. Remember as you are sharing, suspend judgement and your need to be right. Acknowledge and explore each others ideas.You will feel more connected and closer as a result.
Until later,
Leland
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