Chasing Peace?

Are you in a state of conflict, having struggles, relationship issues, financial problems, confused, feeling helpless, feeling lonely, wondering when something good is going to happen?

Many are seeking an answer... the answer... looking for some magical solution to resolve their problems once and for all... maybe winning the lottery?

There is an answer that will help! But it takes some effort on your part... but if you're saying I'll do anything... I'll do whatever it takes... anything is better than the way it is right now...

If you don't have what you think you want in your life... why not?

Call or email me to set up a time when you can begin your path to peace.

Until later
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Terms of Engagement

There are always points of conflict and struggle that seem to naturally occur in relationships. Most people are uncomfortable and fearful of these times and even when not, the situations are often mishandled.



It seems that it may be benficial, more productive and efficient if we were to establish more reasonable terms of engagement that are less conflictual, less volatile and more understanding and peaceful... at least that would be my preference.

Let's say you see two children arguing or fighting in the school yard. You intervene and "break up" the fight. If you were to ask, "OK, Who started it?". What response would you expect? Typically you'll see two fingers pointing at each other and the verbal response will be... "he (or she) did!

It is as if we actually believe at that point of conflict that "he (or she) made me do it!" It all his (or her) fault! If this is really true then, we actually lose complete control of our own bodies (and minds) in conflict and are controlled by another person. If it can happen then, and we're not responsible, why not just say it all the time... we're never really in control, we're being controlled by the world. We're therefore, not responsible for our own actions!

I don't think sooooo! In fact, it is the exact opposite that is true. It is only us (as individuals) that are in control!

[SIDEBAR] - The truth about what real psychotherapy is - the creation of a trusting, honest and integral relationship where there is a direct experiential learning  - that it is not the world that does onto me, but what I that do onto the world!

So, when we learn that we are not, in fact, controlled by the world, we need to re-establish more creative and productive means of engaging with each other, particularly in times of conflict.

Even when there are times when one (or both) [assuming there's only two people involved - think of the two children in the school yard] recognise that hurt has been experienced as a result of the "exchange"...
one person in the exchange says, "you hurt me!". Often the automatic response to this will be what I term as a "yabut" response.... either "ya but you hurt me too", or "I didn't mean to" or "you started it first".

So, here's a new guideline/rule for times of conflict... If, for whatever reason, you feel you have been hurt (slighted, insulted, unheard, misunderstood, attacked) you may want to "express" that feeling to the object of your concern. Finger out, you point (shoot back, defend, protect, attack) and let er rip! (this can be done in the most subtle of ways to the most extreme... it's a continuum).

You want the other person to do what at that moment? Not be defensive, exclaiming "YABUT you" or "YABUT I".   No, more likely you would want them to attend to what you are expressing... to listen. To do anything else tends to make the situation worse. Not listening suggests and re-enforces the "attack".  The content of what you're experiencing gets lost as you slip into the abyss of conflict... again.

Listen.... hhhmmmm.   The truth is in conflict (and at all other times) we all have our own personal and individual ways and means of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting the events of our lives. If we all have our own "truth", then most arguments must be about you trying to convince another that their "truth" is not real, and your truth, therefore, must be. They will not be really "listening" and you will not feel "heard" until we hear agreement or compliance... all the time feeling that if we do that, then we're giving our "right" to be "right" and it is our "job" to instruct, manipulate, coerce others to accept our "righteousness", our "truth". The paradox is established (and it's not my fault!)

So, if conflict is "caused" by this perception that unless others are in complete, total and absolute agreement (oxymoron), we have a problem... we will always be in conflict... always under attack... always needing to be on guard...

The other side is that if we understand that everyone has their own perception, for whatever reason other than willfully engaging in conflict, we need to all consider that all conflict is a trap of sorts, keeping us out of peace. That the conflict is avoidable because we are all entitled to and will always have a different individual experience with our "life".  We do not have to continue to feel attacked or unheard just because someone else doesn't "get it" or understand it. We don't have to walk around feeling the sense of impending threat... not if it's going to happen... but when and by whom?

Doing so, does not allow living in fear... we can be cautious without being "in fear". The threat is our own perception. When we await it, anticipate it... guess what happens? [sorry, that's a little redundant and sarcastic... isn't it?] We are sensitive to that situation occurring and it then happens... and we say, "How'd that happen... again?"

Try, today, to listen without fear, without judgment. Understand that we all have our perceptions and it's as difficult for you to understand another person's perception as it is for them to understand yours. Attempt to understand what's behind the perception. Ask questions about the perception, without being defensive or judgmental. Knowing now what being defensive, etc. does... just creates more conflict.

Until later,
Leland Clipperton

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/

705 443 8290

905 510 9117

Got a Problem?

Have you ever made up a list of things that you consider to be problems in your life? Has anyone ever suggested that you do this?

It's a very good idea.... make your list.

Have you wondered why certain items are on your particular list?????

Okay, now you work on eliminating a few items... let's work on one first!

Inevitably... what happens? If you are actually successful at dealing with an issue (by the way good for you), how long is it before something else seems to creep up the list into your reality?

We must need to live with problems, some quietly, some not. Like they say, "there's always sumpthin"!
How does this system occur and why? Sure we can live, perhaps for awhile believing that all our problems are minimal, but for how long? We encourage problems like they're our job!

When I first met Angie (not her real name) she was in detox... a pursistent life of doing crack and the pursuit of crack had led her there. Through bleery eyes she first offered to take me to the Bahamas... fast forward ten years... at her 5 year clean and sober medallion... I witnessed a miracle in her demeanour and physical health. Yet, I caught myself observing her complaining about her nails not being done the "correct" way; it brought me back 10 years prior listening to her... same voice, same person; complaining about dying, about living on the streets...

All very relative to what is present on our minds at the time.

I first met Alex (not his real name) when his marriage was in deep trouble... near the end. He'd had an affair that neither he nor his wife knew that they could recover from. He was unmotivated, depressed and confused. After working both with his wife and own his own with me for  a couple years they are "happily" (well maybe normally) married; having successfully gone through many of the neccessary hurdles of forgiveness. Yet, when he was promoted to an enviable corporate position, he said quietly to me, "they haven't found out yet"... They" hadn't found out that he really didn't feel deserving of the postion... thought he was still fooling "them" and was hoping he wouldn't get caught.

Our problems are all relative.

Do you remember the MADD commercial... some random guy is driving along, what we see is through the front windshield of his car. After one drink we see the first glass appear in front of the windshield; after the second drink we see another glass appear in front of the first glass; and so on, until the inevitable crash and burn...

Here's my analogy - we have problems occur in our lives, we're not sure of where they come from or why they're there, but we know they're there and we need to deal with them (or perhaps attempt to ignore them). Our focus becomes the resolution or managment of those problems... sometimes for a lifetime. If we are able to "deal" with or minimize a problem enough, there always seems to be another in front of it, another issue to deal with. (by the way if we try to shut one down, it usually comes back bigger and brighter than ever).

What we forgot (and need to remember) is where those glasses (problems) come from!
We put them there, we put our focus on the problem and resolving the problem. The only problem is that we think there's a problem! The more we either try to resolve a problem or alternatively, ignore a problem, all we do is put more focus and energy into that problem.

We need to consider alternatives... alternative approaches, alternative thought patterns... Easy to say, not so easy to accomplish! If we've always been accustomed to thinking a certain way, to dealing with problems, to believing that having and dealing with problems is normal, then why would we expect to just be able to switch. It is not the removal or dealing with the "glasses" that will bring us peace, it is the recognition that the absence of those glasses... the absense of problems... is peace.


Until later,
Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
info@CounsellingandMediation.com
(905) 510-9117
(705) 443-8290