The Blame Game

yabutyou!!!!!


How many times do we hear ourselves or others saying (or thinking) this? We seem to want to displace our personal responsibilities onto others, as if to say I am not responsible.... or you made me do that!

We see it in extreme cases where people may be prone to interpreting what others have said as an implied (or direct) criticism or threat to our existence. For example, a person who hits their child (or wife) and while doing so will say, "look what you made me do!"
I know it seems insane to believe that we are all capable of doing this in some fashion... and I'm not saying everyone hits their child (or wife)...
but don't we all like to blame others or circumstances for explaining why we are in an uncomfortable predicament that we're in? Isn't far more convenient to blame... relieving us of the responsibility to be accountable?
Another example... 2
Children arguing in the school yard. You ask them "who started it" and they will invariably point at each other... "he/she did!"... Then ask them how they might stop and they will typically respond with, "I'll stop when he stops!"
Why does it seem like our inherent right to blame others or circumstances????
If we gave up that "right" we would have to be fully self-accountable and self-responsible! What a burden that could be... We are reluctant to accept our part in our own struggle and want to place fault somewhere else. This is, in a large part, why it's difficult to introduce positive change into our lives.
We are not puppets, we don't have strings attached to us, being controlled by another person or situation. We, in the end, are responsible for the circumstances and relationships we find ourselves in... At the very least it is our individual responsibility to become more aware of our circumstances and to learn and grow from the experience.
If you don't like the result of what you're doing, change what you're doing. At the very least you will get different information than what you have typically received.
Try not blaming (or at least become more aware of that tendency).
The key to finding out if you may be blaming is to note your emotional responses to others. Your sensitivities will be shown through your emotions and you may, in those circumstances, feel a need to blame. Really what you are doing is projection and allowing that person to control your state of mind, your well-being and you have become their puppet. You then get to blame them and often the struggle in relationships becomes about that, not about what the actual issue may be. No wonder we tend to repeat the same arguments and say things that start with "you always" or "you never"!
When you feel the emotional disturbance, ask yourself what else it may be indicating to you.
Nothing ever really changes as long as we are pointing at what we see as the "cause". After all. if we're not responsible... who is?

Until later,
Leland Clipperton
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

NewYear's Resolutions? How to be Successful!

New Year Resolutions? No Excuses!

Most of us have made,,, and failed at our New Years Resolutions...

In fact, most don't even bother any more... tired of feeling disappointed and upset at our own personal failures.

There is a reason for everything! We need to better explore and understand why this occurs year after year... why we tend to make the same old mistakes and follow a similar path to a seemingly forgone conclusion.

There is only one truth which is irrefutable: when what you're thinking or doing isn't creating the result you want... you need to change something! Repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results is Einstein's definition of insanity!

 

Be successful this year!!!!!!
 To start with:

1. Ask yourself why you think you want what you want? Write it down... all of it.

2. Ask yourself what you will be like when you achieve your resolution?

3. Then... the tough one... ask yourself what has interfered with you achieving your goals previously?

4. Recognise that additional support is required and beneficial in your reaching your goals.

5. There are certain prescribed ways of working on your success and by joining my program you will have a fuller understanding of the process of change and increase your ability to get what you want!

Here's a few steps to start with:

Be realistic
Choose specific attainable goals. Select one small thing at a time.

Planning helps
Specific timeline plans are necessary. How long will it realistically require for you to accomplish each step.

Develop a support network
Friends, family and colleagues can all help you - but hiring professional support will provide you with additional support. We are always more committed to something when we are paying for it!

Success is tangible and measurable
Stay motivated by seeing your success. Small changes make a big difference.

Reward yourself
We alter our brain function when feeling joyful... This can be encouraged by doing something immediately after your small successes that help you feel joyful.

Don't give up... ever
There is no failure in your success... only if you give up! Expect challenges and the occasional small setback... plan on what to do if and when that occurs.
If you slip and break your diet, forget to exercise or have a secret cigarette, don’t despair! Learn from the setback: what situations made you slip? Can you avoid them next time? Don't obsess over small setbacks - it won't help you achieve your goal. Start fresh the next day. Don't give up!

It Takes Time
Real change in behaviour takes time to develop... Keep at it.
We need to practice until we don't need to practice anymore.

Call, text or email today to join our RESOLUTION program.
Make it work this year!

 

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

text or call 905 510 9117

20 Common Misconceptions

 

New Year Resolutions?

Most of us have made,,, and failed at our New Years Resolutions...

In fact, most don't even bother any more... tired of feeling disappointed and upset at our own personal failures.

There is a reason for everything! We need to better explore and understand why this occurs year after year... why we tend to make the same old mistakes and follow a similar path to a seemingly forgone conclusion.

There is only one truth which is irrefutable: when what you're thinking or doing isn't creating the result you want... you need to change something! Repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results is Einstein's definition of insanity!

To start with:

1. Ask yourself why you think you want what you want? Write it down... all of it.

2. Ask yourself what you will be like when you achieve your resolution?

3. Then... the tough one... ask yourself what has interfered with you achieving your goals previously?

4. Recognise that additional support is required and beneficial in your reaching your goals.

5. There are certain prescribed ways of working on your success and by joining my program you will have a fuller understanding of the process of change and increase your ability to get what you want!

Here's a few steps to start with:

Be realistic
Choose attainable goals. Select one small thing at a time.

Planning helps
Specific timeline plans are necessary.

Develop a support network
Friends, family and colleagues can all help you - but hiring professional support will provide you with additional support. We are always more committed to something when we are paying for it!

Success is tangible and measurable
Stay motivated by seeing your success. Small changes make a big difference.

Reward yourself
We alter our brain function when feeling joyful... This can be encouraged by doing something immediately after your small successes that help you feel joyful.

Don't give up... ever
There is no failure in your success... only if you give up! Expect challenges and the occasional small setback... plan on what to do if and when that occurs.
If you slip and break your diet, forget to exercise or have a secret cigarette, don’t despair! Learn from the setback: what situations made you slip? Can you avoid them next time? Don't obsess over small setbacks - it won't help you achieve your goal. Start fresh the next day. Don't give up!

It Takes Time
Real change in behaviour takes time to develop... Keep at it.
We need to practice until we don't need to practice anymore.

Call, text or email today to join our RESOLUTION program.
Make it work this year!

Leland Clipperton
email: info@CounsellingandMediation.com
text: 905-510-9117
www.CounsellingandMediation.com

Separating?

Marital Separation is often the most difficult and challenging time in a person's life...  Help is Here!

Are you or someone you know going through a separation? This is often a confusing and stressful time...

Most people in this situation have many questions and are concerned about going through the process in an economical, timely and respectful manner.
Questions like, What about the children?, Who gets what?, What about support? What do we tell the kids?... need to be answered.

Couples often want help to resolve their differences in a respectful manner as quickly as possible so that you can move forward with your lives. Most people don't want this to take a long time, go to court, or spend a lot of money.

Mediation is the best way to help you resolve your questions through assisted negotiation. As a neutral third party, I help you develop a solution, called the settlement agreement, which you will both support.

This agreement is far more likely to continue to be supported as it has been developed by you. The mediation sessions are private, flexible and informal.

A major concern when working with couples separating is the effect that your separation can have on your children. Even though people may choose to not be married, they do not choose to divorce their children and often need help in re-forming their relationship from a marriage to being co-parents. I will help you with developing an appropriate parenting plan and work on your parenting relationship.

Benefits of mediation are:

1. Where children are involved, the focus is kept on the best interests of your children, to develop an effective plan for the children involved.
2. The ability to resolve issues in a way that suits you and enables you to directly affect the outcome.
3. An opportunity to speak directly to the other person about issues of concern in a neutral and safe environment.
4. An opportunity to learn skills for better communication and cooperative problem solving for the future.
5. Often more cost effective, less time consuming and simpler than court processes.
6. Can reduce tensions and alleviate an adversarial atmosphere.
7. The process is private and confidential.

Mediation promotes open and respectful communication. The process allows you to examine your interests and concerns, explore a variety of creative options and develop your own solutions in a timely and cost-effective manner. Issues of co-parenting, asset division, spousal support, child support and blended families will be addressed as required.

Separation Counselling

I also provide counselling to support those people who are going through this process who may be using an alternative to mediation. It’s often helpful to speak with an objective, non-judgmental person.

If you know of someone who may be going through a family breakdown, have them call or email me to set up an appointment.

There is more information available on my web site as well as other helpful links. Just click on the web site link below. I have been educated and trained through York University (Alternative Dispute Resolution), George Brown College (Counselling) and the Ontario Association of Family Mediators (The Mediation Centre) and have conducted mediations for over 20 years
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www.CounsellingandMediation.com
(705) 999-2107
(905) 510-9117
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com