Counselling and Mediation

Doing Good... Doing Harm?

2012-02-23T09:09:00.004-05:00

None of us want to believe that we would consciously do ourselves harm... in fact, consciously we often focus on the opposite! We want to create positive things in our life. And yet, sometimes harm seems to occur seemingly in spite of our good efforts!

When we receive information or feedback that is disturbing in some way it is often an indicator that requires further exploration...

Yes, while it remains important to provide ourselves with options in how we respond to situations that are undesirable and to make appropriate informed decisions, it is also an opportunity to look further... to explore what we may be contributing to creating the events of our lives or our responses to those events...

Until later,
Leland
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMedation.com
705 999 2107 office
905 510 9117 iphone

Identical DNA!

2012-02-09T10:53:00.001-05:00

Fascinating article about some of the genetic history of humans!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/2975862.stm
As much as our egos would have us believe we're different... we're really not!

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107 (office)
905 510 9117 (iphone)

How To Improve Your Relationship

2012-01-31T07:32:00.001-05:00

It seems to be a kind of insanity to believe that the person in your life that you care about the most can be the most threatening... in a visceral, defensive, hurtful, angry way. It doesn't make sense... really, that they would wake up in the morning thinking of ways to get you that day...

and yet, we all can have that gut-wrenching feeling that indicates that that is happening... and then the conflict or struggles begin. We go off into defensiveness and out comes the "you always", "you never", comments or the "ya but you" or "you're not listening" or "you don't get me".... all of these reactions implying an attack of some kind that requires a defensive response rather than asking the basic question. "why is this person saying this?".

Here are some ways to address the frailties of a relationship and build strength and connection...

1. Remember that we are connected and if we're not experiencing that, we need to look within.

2. Cheer lead each other... be kind, supportive and encouraging.

3. Learn to communicate differently with each other... start by asking questions, not stating opinions or trying to be right all the time.

4. Know that if you've made it wrong... you can make it right!

5. Stop repeating the same behaviour, expecting different results.

6. Stop blaming the other person... be more accountable for your part.

7. Learn to compromise... being assertive is helpful in accomplishing this rather than a passive (I give up/in) or aggressive (I always am right) approach.

8. Make your relationship a priority.

9. Make the other person feel special.

10. Find out what's important to them and support that.

11. Mutually develop goals and plan to get them accomplished.

12. Try something new together.

13. Develop a common financial plan and budget.

14. Demonstrate respect for each other.

15. Play with each other.

16. Have a regular date night.

17. Maintain physical connection through touching , caressing, lovemaking.

18. Be curious about each other.

19. Focus on what you enjoy about each other.

20. Get help when you need more information or are experiencing difficulties...
if you don't have what you think you want, you probably need help getting it!

Until later,

Leland Clipperton
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

2012-01-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

SPOUSAL SUPPORT ADVISORY GUIDELINES,

ONTARIO DECISIONS

[July 10, 2008 - May 13, 2009]http://www.law.utoronto.ca/documents/rogerson/ssag-familylawsummmit2009-app.pdf

What To Do?

2012-01-13T13:36:00.001-05:00

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Surround yourself with the right people. It certainly makes sense that we are influenced by those people that we surround ourselves with. Remember, we have a choice who those people are! Choose your friends, not the other way around! Choose supportive, encouraging, honest people who will standby you... for better or worse. People who will gently guide you when you may be off track and encourage you to celebrate when you are on track.

Face your problems. Problems are the most likely to present the best opportunity to learn the most about yourself and how to develop discipline, courage and confidence. It is only our perception (misperception) that tells us that a task is too difficult, too hard, we don't have time, we're too tired, there's no point... etc. In most cases we contribute to the creation of the problems we face in the first place... Start with the decision that you're going to tackle one thing... find a solution, create a plan with a timeline attached, create some accountability with someone else, and implement your resolution.... in spite of the messages in your head that will be telling you to stop! The idea is to build confidence and discipline that you can change your life in small steps.

Tell yourself the truth... and listen! We all, in some ways, portray an image in our world, however, we also have that little voice in our heads that knows (and believes) our perception of the truth. There is a huge benefit to being aware of and understanding our own truth. You may feel like you're lying to everyone in the world, but don't lie to yourself. Have a look in the mirror, particularly when you feel the world is out to get you... that you are being victimized in some manner. Be self-honest first!

Identify, clarify and put your needs first. Stop pretending that you are doing things for someone else. If you feel you are, are you getting the results you're looking for? When you identify your real needs it will help determine what your motivations are... and help create the result you want. Even when doing for others selflessly, we gain the benefit of feeling good about ourselves.

Be who you are. Everyone I have worked with thinks that they physically have some part of their body that is too big or too small or in the wrong place! There will always be others who are better looking, not as good looking, smarter, not as smart... Our ego's job is to differentiate one from another and this is partially accomplished through focusing on differences. When we compare, we are often looking for more negative evidence to support our existing belief, that somehow we don't measure up. Our real job is to be the absolute best person we believe we can be, not to be a clone of someone else.

Live in the present. Now is the only time we can do anything about changing our lives, not in the past nor in the future. If you find you are re-living the past or dreaming about the future, make that thought present so that you can do something about it. We are constantly writing our futures by what we do right now!

Learn from mistakes. Yes, mistakes are normal, however, please understand the nature of "mistakes". Most people make decisions based on information and experience they have at the time they make their decision... what appears to make it a mistake is more often information that is acquired following the point of decision. Get into the practice of "thinking through" your decisions to guestimate potential outcomes... Is there more information that would be helpful in your decision? Our goal is to make informed decisions and not minimize or negate information that may help us accomplish that. Every mistake we seem to make is an indication that there is additional information we need to pay attention to next time

Be kind to yourself. When things happen in your life that feel uncomfortable, learn to be accountable for your part (easier said than done) rather than beating yourself up or adding to your list of evidence to justify an underlying (or not so underlying) belief, identify your regret... your struggle... your mistake.... Be aware of the messages you play in your head... what channel are you watching?

Be grateful. A sense of peace comes with gratitude... being ok where we are at this point in time... There is always something we can find to be grateful about. What truly brings us joy is more often free... love, laughter, connection with others... This sense cannot be bought or falsified by temporary measures. Find what you can be grateful for, don't just make something up... make it real, then write it down... accumulate your personal list to remind yourself at times when you may not be feeling so grateful.

Be happy. (Don't worry) Happiness is a one person job. Others do not have the power to provide you with happiness nor do you have that same power. The psychological state of happiness comes primarily from making a decision to be happy... then there is more tendency to notice and focus on gathering evidence to be happy. We've heard it... happiness is an inside job. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Be active. Start being proactive in your own life, not waiting for someone else to motivate you. Make an informed decision about what you want to do, consider your decision, make your plan and stick to it. Taking small steps is important. You don't want to overwhelm yourself and then have a reason to not move forward.

Thinking that you're ready. There is often never an opportune time to start something new. Everything begins and ends with a thought... which is a good thing... it means that we can always do something... even if it means stepping outside of what you're familiar with.

Choose the kind of relationships you want. Be conscious of suitability, compatibility and joy. Just because someone seems to want to be with you, doesn't mean that you need to be with them.

Be open to new relationships. You never know, the person you've just met, could be your best friend (or spouse). Relationships reflect our inner projections and we need to be willing to risk new ones. It's an ongoing learning process.

Life isn't a competition. Focus on being the best you can be... trust me... you'll know. Challenge yourself to continue to grow without comparison to others. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Be forgiving. Forgiveness is not condoning another's hurtful behaviour, it is so that we may remind ourselves that sometimes people are inconsiderate, thoughtless, etc. It is a process of specifically identifying a wrong and through forgiveness, enabling yourself to not carry the hurt. There is a saying... if you are prepared to shoot a person, dig two graves... Remember to forgive yourself! We are always participants in our lives.

Maintain a positive standard. Be who you are without the need to measure up to or down to someone else's level. You do not need to accommodate another's standard.

Watch your need to explain. There is no need to be reactive in the attempt to defend a behaviour statement or position. You have probably found that it really doesn't do any good anyway. If you feel a need to defend yourself, it indicates a sensitivity that you could work on in a different way.

Take a break. If you find yourself trying the same thing and expecting a different result... take a break. You will likely be getting the same result as before... and perhaps blaming or finding fault with someone else as the cause. Taking a break will help you reposition yourself, give yourself a different perspective.

Smell the roses. Enjoying the life journey as you move through it is important. Don't miss a child's smile because you're busy being angry about something. It is the accumulation of small things that we remember.

Progress, not perfection. Perfection is an ideal that is often a moving target and unachievable. Reward yourself for the small steps that you are accomplishing and be mindful f the need to use the lack of perfection as a reason to not do something.

Challenge your challenge. Our resistance to do something different is an indication of our sensitivities. We will think that it's too hard, I don't have time, too tired, other things to do, won't work... whatever! Our sense of accomplishment is often directly relative to the resistance to do something. Taking the "right" way can feel like using a machete to hack your way through the jungle as opposed to taking the autobahn freeway with n speed limit and no traffic. Be extra-ordinary. Step outside of what seems familiar to you.

Be real. Assume that whatever is on your mind is there for a reason and needs attention and further thought. If you're upset or off balance about something... pay attention to that. There are no bad or good feelings, there are only indicators.

You are responsible. None of us have strings attached, controlling our movements and thoughts. There isn't anyone else living in our heads. Like it or not, in the end, we are individually responsible for our lives. Being responsible means not blaming or finding the external cause. This does not mean that we cause ourselves harm consciously... but that we are fully responsible for the conscious directions our lives take.

Pace yourself. Watch the tendency to contribute to your overwhelm. Continuing to add more than you can chew will not end well. You really can only do so much and have so much time...

Plan ahead. Procrastination is usually not about whether we're going to do something or not... it's adding concern and stress by listening to the reasons (excuses) to not do something. If you're worried or thinking about something repeatedly, write it down with a timeline... not a "to do" list.

Focus on what you want to happen. If you find yourself drawn away by your focus, take note of what that is and then bring yourself back to your focus. Practicing this will create a different level of self discipline. Welcome your day with your focus!

Seek help. Most of us run into roadblocks from time to time that make it difficult to move forward on our own Call for help and be open to the help you ask for.

Until later,

Leland

www.CounsellingandMediation.com

info@CounsellinganMediation.com

705-999-2107 (office)

905-510-9117 (iphone)

skype - counsellingandmediation

New Federal Child Support Guidelines

2012-01-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

The Federal Department of Justice announced changes to Federal Child Support Guideline Tables, effective Dec. 31, 2011. The following link will help provide more info for you. http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/tool-util/apps/look-rech/index.asp

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
leland@counsellingandmediation.com
705-999-2107
905-510-9117

Happy New Year?

2012-01-06T09:03:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

This is a common sentiment heard by many over the last 6 days. It signifies a marker in time... in our history... that we metaphorically begin... again! An opportunity to make desired change in your life!

Are there issues or concerns that you need to be addressing? Things that you have been procrastinating? Not sure of how to approach this new year?

I am aware of two truths... when what I'm thinking isn't creating the desired result or outcome, I know that I have to do something different! But... why haven't I already done something different? There is often a significant block indicated by this that needs to be identified in order to move forward with the "something different". It is often a result of a fear of some kind that seems to impair our ability to create a different outcome.

This year why not vow to yourself to find out what that may be? Make creating a new plan easier...

We have the most say in what will happen in our individual lives this year (as always)... being specifically pro-active and dealing with those reasons and justifications that may crop up in your minds differently will help.

Learn to accomplish more of what you want by finding out why you may not have done that before... I can help you get there. Don't wait! only 359 days until next year!

Imagine what you can do in a year!

Until later,

Leland

www.CounsellingandMediation.com

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

705 999-2107 (office)

905 510-9117 (iphone)

Depression

2011-12-22T06:43:00.000-05:00

When you are having thoughts about wondering if you or someone you care about is depressed... consider that it is helpful to identify whether the depression is organic or reactive...
Organic depression is laregly the result of a chemical imbalance in the neurotransmitter function of the brain that does not allow for effective and appropriate use of brain chemicals which impairs mood and thught process. The is most easily identified in assessing family history... i.e. is there depression evident in the genetic code? It may be apparent as depression, however, it could also be seen manifesting as a drinking problem, reclusion, anxiety, unhappiness, etc. Most often when working with clients they will self-identify their depression... that it's not "because" of something... it's a feeling, an existance that feels familiar and "normal".
Reactive depression is typically a feeling of prolonged grief, sadness... it is more in response to a particular life situation and that may be exacerbated by additional stressful circumstances. It is a depression that will usually respond more effectively to behavioural changes that will help alter the response.
The following article is worthwhile reading and will provide additional information and ideas about depression.

Dealing with Depression

SELF-HELP AND COPING TIPS

Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to do what you need to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t beat it through sheer willpower, but you do have some control—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key to depression recovery is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day and draw on the support of others.

In This Article:

The road to recovery

The road to depression recovery

Recovering from depression requires action. But taking action when you’re depressed is hard. In fact, just thinking about the things you should do to feel better, like exercising or going out with friends, can be exhausting.

It’s the Catch-22 of depression recovery. The things that help the most are the things that are most difficult to do. But there’s a difference between difficult and impossible.

Start small and stay focused

The key to depression recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. Draw upon whatever resources you have. You may not have much energy, but you probably have enough to take a short walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.

Take things day by day and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but if you make time for them each day, they’ll quickly add up. And for all the energy you put in to your depression recovery, you’ll get back much more in return.

Depression self-help tip 1: Cultivate supportive relationships

Getting the support you need plays a big role in lifting the fog of depression and keeping it away. On your own, it can be difficult to maintain perspective and sustain the effort required to beat depression. But the very nature of depression makes it difficult to reach out for help. However, isolation and loneliness make depression even worse, so maintaining your close relationships and social activities are important.

The thought of reaching out to even close family members and friends can seem overwhelming. You may feel ashamed, too exhausted to talk, or guilty for neglecting the relationship. Remind yourself that this is the depression talking. You loved ones care about you and want to help.

Turn to trusted friends and family members. Share what you’re going through with the people you love and trust. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but they can get you through this tough time.
Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. When you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell. But being around other people will make you feel less depressed.
Join a support group for depression. Being with others who are dealing with depression can go a long way in reducing your sense of isolation. You can also encourage each other, give and receive advice on how to cope, and share your experiences. To locate a depression support group in your area, use the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance's Support Group Locator.

10 tips for reaching out and building relationships

Talk to one person about your feelings.
Help someone else by volunteering.
Have lunch or coffee with a friend.
Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly.
Accompany someone to the movies, a concert, or a small get-together.

Call or email an old friend.
Go for a walk with a workout buddy.
Schedule a weekly dinner date
Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club.
Confide in a counselor, therapist, or clergy member.

Depression self-help tip 2: Take care of yourself

In order to overcome depression, you have to nurture yourself. This includes making time for things you enjoy, asking for help from others, setting limits on what you’re able to do, adopting healthy habits, and scheduling fun activities into your day.

Do things you enjoy (or used to)

While you can’t force yourself to have fun or experience pleasure, you can choose to do things that you used to enjoy. Pick up a former hobby or a sport you used to like. Express yourself creatively through music, art, or writing. Go out with friends. Take a day trip to a museum, the mountains, or the ballpark.

Develop a wellness toolbox

Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.

Spend some time in nature.
List what you like about yourself.
Read a good book.
Watch a funny movie or TV show.
Take a long, hot bath.

Listen to music.
Take care of a few small tasks.
Play with a pet.
Write in your journal.
Do something spontaneous.

Push yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel once you’re out in the world. Even if your depression doesn’t lift immediately, you’ll gradually feel more upbeat and energetic as you make time for fun activities.

Adopt healthy lifestyle habits

Aim for 8 hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden.
Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.

Fight depression by managing stress

Not only does stress prolong and worsen depression, but it can also trigger it. In order to get over depression and stay well, it’s essential to learn how to minimize and cope with stress.

Identify your stressors. Figure out all the things in your life that are stressing you out. Examples include: work overload, unsupportive relationships, substance abuse, taking on too much, or health problems. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can make a plan to avoid them or minimize their impact.
Go easy on yourself. Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. Battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking.
Plan ahead. If you know your stress triggers and limits, you will be able to identify and avoid many landmines. If you sense trouble ahead, protect yourself by dipping into your wellness toolbox and saying “no” to added responsibility.

Depression self-help tip 3: Get regular exercise

When you’re depressed, exercising may be the last thing you feel like doing. But exercise is a powerful tool for dealing with depression. In fact, studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue.

Scientists haven’t figured out exactly why exercise is such a potent antidepressant, but evidence suggests that physical activity increases mood-enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain, raises endorphins, reduces stress, and relieves muscle tension – all things that can have a positive effect on depression.

To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Short 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on your mood. Here are a few easy ways to get moving:

Take the stairs rather than the elevator
Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot
Take your dog for a walk
Pair up with an exercise partner
Walk while you’re talking on the phone

As a next step, try incorporating walks or some other enjoyable, easy form of exercise into your daily routine. The key is to pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to keep up with it.

Exercise as an Antidepressant

The following exercise tips offer a powerful prescription for boosting mood:

Exercise now…and again. A 10-minute walk can improve your mood for two hours. The key to sustaining mood benefits is to exercise regularly.
Choose activities that are moderately intense. Aerobic exercise undoubtedly has mental health benefits, but you don't need to sweat strenuously to see results.
Find exercises that are continuous and rhythmic (rather than intermittent). Walking, swimming, dancing, stationery biking, and yoga are good choices.
Add a mind-body element. Activities such as yoga and tai chi rest your mind and pump up your energy. You can also add a meditative element to walking or swimming by repeating a mantra (a word or phrase) as you move.
Start slowly, and don't overdo it. More isn't better. Athletes who over train find their moods drop rather than lift.

Adapted from Johns Hopkins Health Alerts

For more exercise tips, read Exercise for Exercise Haters: Finding Ways to Tolerate (or Even Enjoy) Exercise.

Depression self-help tip 4: Eat a healthy, mood-boosting diet

What you eat has a direct impact on the way you feel. Aim for a balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables.

Don’t neglect breakfast. A solid breakfast provides energy for the day.
Don’t skip meals. Going too long between meals can make you feel irritable and tired, so aim to eat something at least every 3-4 hours.
Minimize sugar and refined carbs. You may crave sugary snacks, baked goods, or comfort foods such as pasta or french fries. But these “feel-good” foods quickly lead to a crash in mood and energy.
Focus on complex carbohydrates. Foods such as baked potatoes, whole-wheat pasta, brown rice, oatmeal, whole grain breads, and bananas can boost serotonin levels without a crash.
Boost your B vitamins. Deficiencies in B vitamins such as folic acid and B-12 can trigger depression. To get more, take a B-complex vitamin supplement or eat more citrus fruit, leafy greens, beans, chicken, and eggs.
Consider taking a chromium supplement – Some depression studies show that chromium picolinate reduces carbohydrate cravings, eases mood swings, and boosts energy. Supplementing with chromium picolinate is especially effective for people who tend to overeat and oversleep when depressed. Aim for 600 mcg per day.
Practice mindful eating. Slow down and pay attention to the full experience of eating. Enjoy the taste of your food

Omega-3 fatty acids play an essential role in stabilizing mood.

Foods rich in certain omega-3 fats called EPA and DHA can give your mood a big boost. The best sources are fatty fish such salmon, herring, mackerel, anchovies, sardines, and some cold water fish oil supplements. Canned albacore tuna and lake trout can also be good sources depending on how the fish were raised and processed.
You may hear a lot about getting your omega-3’s from foods rich in ALA fatty acids. Main sources are vegetable oils and nuts (especially walnuts), flax, soybeans, and tofu. Be aware that our bodies generally convert very little ALA into EPA and DHA, so you may not as big of a benefit.
Some people avoid seafood because they worry about mercury or other possible toxins. But most experts agree that the benefits of eating 2 servings a week of cold water fatty fish outweigh the risks.

Depression self-help tip 5: Challenge negative thinking

Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.

But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.” Happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

Ways to challenge negative thinking:

Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.
Keep a “negative thought log”. Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. For a second opinion, you can also ask a friend or therapist to go over your log with you.
Replace negatives with positives. Review your negative thought log. Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive. For instance, “My boss hates me. She gave me this difficult report to complete” could be replaced with, “My boss must have a lot of faith in me to give me so much responsibility.”
Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

Depression self-help tip 6: Raise your emotional intelligence

Emotions are powerful. They can override thoughts and profoundly influence behavior. But if you are emotionally intelligent, you can harness the power of your emotions.

Emotional intelligence isn’t a safety net that protects you from life’s tragedies, frustrations, or disappointments. We all go through disappointments, loss, and change. And while these are normal parts of life, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress. But emotional intelligence gives you the ability to cope and bounce back from adversity, trauma, and loss. In other words, emotional intelligence makes you resilient.

Emotional intelligence gives you the ability to:

Remain hopeful during challenging and difficult times
Manage strong feelings and impulses
Quickly rebound from frustration and disappointment
Ask for and get support when needed
Solve problems in positive, creative ways

Learn how to raise your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence gives you the tools for coping with difficult situations and maintaining a positive outlook. It helps you stay focused, flexible, and creative in bad times as well as good. The capacity to recognize your emotions and express them appropriately helps you avoid getting stuck in depression, anxiety, or other negative mood states.

Read: Emotional Intelligence: The Five Key Skills

Depression self-help tip 7: Know when to get additional help

If you find your depression getting worse and worse, seek professional help. Needing additional help doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes the negative thinking in depression can make you feel like you’re a lost cause, but depression can be treated and you can feel better!

There are many effective treatment options for depression. To learn about them, see Depression Treatment and Therapy.

Don’t forget about these self-help tips, though. Even if you’re receiving professional help, these tips can be part of your treatment plan, speeding your recovery and preventing depression from returning.

Relaxation Techniques for Stress Relief
Relaxation Exercises to Reduce Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

Improving Emotional Health
Strategies and Tips for Good Mental Health

More Helpguide articles:

Depression Treatment: Therapy, Medication, and Lifestyle Changes That Can Help
Antidepressant Medications: What You Need to Know About Depression Medications
Feeling Suicidal? Coping with Suicidal Thoughts and Getting Help
Helping a Depressed Person: Taking Care of Yourself While Supporting a Loved One

Related links for depression self-help and recovery

Depression self-help and coping tips

Getting Motivated When You're Down – Tips for coping with depression and getting motivated, including how to jump start the recovery process. (Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Massachusetts)

A Case of Catch 22 – Learn how to get around the Catch-22 of depression, in which the things a person needs to do to get well are the very things the illness makes it difficult to do. (Psychology Today)

Recovery - A series of articles on depression recovery, covering topics such as meditation, healthy eating, sleep, and exercise. (McMan’s Depression and Bipolar Web)

Support Groups

Find Support – To locate a depression support group in your area, visit the (Depression and Bipolar Alliance)

Depression self-help tools

Back from the Bluez – Self-help modules for coping with and recovering from depression. Features advice on increasing activity levels, thinking more positively, and maintaining treatment progress. (The Government of Western Australia Department of Health)

Self-Care Depression Program (PDF) – Comprehensive self-help guide to depression recovery from the University of British Columbia. (National Electronic Library for Health)

Wellness Toolbox – A selection of tools for depression recovery, including a therapy worksheet, symptom checklist, trigger tracker, and a personal wellness checklist. (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance)

Challenging negative thoughts

Overcoming Negative Thinking – The “10 Negative Grand Illusions” of negative thinking, and how to replace them with realistic thinking. (Blue Cross/Blue Shied of Massachusetts)

Depression Doing the Thinking Learn about common cognitive distortions and how to change them (Psychology Today)

Healthy lifestyle habits and depression

Depression and Exercise – Learn how exercise improves depression and find tips for getting started. (Better Health Channel)

Omega-3 for Depression and Bipolar – Gives an overview of the Omega-3 fatty acids and their role in boosting mood and relieving depression symptoms. (McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web)

Bedfellows: Insomnia and Depression – Discover the connection between sleep and mood, including how lack of sleep can trigger depression. (Psychology Today)

Healthy eating and depression (PDF) – Learn how to change your diet to improve your mood and relieve symptoms of depression. (Mental Health Foundation)

Delving deeper into dealing with depression

Coping with Depression – Psychologist Jon G. Allen reviews the key concepts of depression self-help and recovery, such as minimizing stress, thinking more flexibly, and maintaining supportive relationships. (The Menninger Clinic)

Joanna Saisan, Melinda Smith, M.A., Suzanne Barston, Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified in August 2008.

Until later,

Leland

www.CounsellingndMediation.com

Leland@CounsellinganMediation.com

705 999-2107

905 510-9117

Geographical Cure

2011-12-09T08:03:00.006-05:00

Haven't we all just wanted to "get away from it all!" from time to time in our lives. Those times when a situation seems unsolvable or someone in our lives is being unreasonable or unforgiving or unloving!

Or when the neighbourhood's not right... too noisy, too quiet, too far away, not close enough...

And we think, "I know, I'll move out on my own!" or "I'll move to _______________________". (fill in the blank with your solution place).

Or, "I just need a fresh start"... Or, "I just need to get away from _______________". (fill in the blank with the problem person, place or thing!)

We have many reasonable justifications for feeling frustrated in our particular individual situations. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness seemingly caused by external sources can certainly lead to that feeling of wanting to get away... to find relief...

I'm not suggesting that it's wrong to want to engage in positive relief behaviours... sometimes counting to ten, taking that perverbial breath, taking a "vacation"... can help us re-position our minds to be able to gain new perspective which may enable a different approach to a problem.

Most of my clients come to me feeling a little frustrated, confused... seeking relief and looking for answers... Sometimes they already have the answers, they need help working with the answers they have... sometimes we need to create, clarify, work out and implement new perspectives...

Learning this process in a comfortable, trusting, non-judgmental place allows you to transfer this new skill set to other areas of your life... so when you do run into problems in the future, you are better equipped to deal with them... and if you are having difficulty with that... you know the advantages of asking for help... when you want to get away from it all...

The problem with most solutions is that they are bandaids and don't deal with the real problem. We often don't want to know the real problem... that's one of the reasons why having someone like me help you is to explore what else may be going on that may be contributing to the problem.

The problem with getting away from it all is that we takes ourselves with us wherever we go! Here's a very good book for children and adults to read...

Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

might help with your perspective...

Until later,
Leland

www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

705 999-2107
905 510-9117

Bullying

2011-12-04T15:24:00.001-05:00

Bullying is a very serious issue in our society!

There is a lot of news these days about the negative effects of bullying in our schools in particular and I wanted to add my thoughts to this.

The main concern I have is that the nature of bullying seems to be misunderstood...

Bullying is for the most part, a dynamic where there is a bully and a victim. Addressing the concern by only blaming the bully does not, nor will it solve the problem... it places more focus on the bully and his or her behaviour without looking at or considering why this occurs in the first place. We need to look at why bullies are bullies as well as why victims are victims.

In my experience in working with both sides, there are always underlying factors which need to be addressed as well as the behaviour. I'm not suggesting that the behaviour doesn't need to be addressed... it's how it is addressed that is the concern.

All people behave in the ways they do because of underlying reasons... it's those reasons that need to be explored. Once they are brught to light, they need to be explored in order to create a desired change.

The first step typically, is to have the individuals involved take a hard look at their own behaviours, natures and underlying, sometimes hidden, reasoning that leads to the behaviour. This requires a degree of self- responsibility and self-acountability... which usually means that they need to learn to not be blaming in nature... to say someone else caused the behaviour.

We are not puppets and are not controlled by anyone else. We all, for our own reasons, are in charge and responsible for who we are and what we do... others may contribute to that development, but, in the end, it is us, as individuals that choose.

Judgment and fear are other issues that will typically surface tht also need to be dealt with.
This is not a quick fix solution... but we all need to work on bias reduction as opposed to punishing the bully with consequences that are not, nor will not be helpful.
Both bullies and victims do need additional resources to help them work their individual issues... to better understand and be more aware of why things seems to happen the way that they do.
If you or someone you know needs help with any of this, have them contact me.

Until later,
Leland Clipperton, H.S.C.
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

705 999-2107
905 510-9117

What Mediation Is?

2011-12-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

Mediation is:

1. A way for you to resolve disputes with the assistance of a mediator.
2. Voluntary... you must be willing to participate in resolving your differences and working towards a mutual outcome.
3. A process where you develop a mutually agreeable plan...
4. Private, flexible and informal.
5. A setting where you can comfortable negotiate a separation agreement providing for financial and property matters and a parenting plan for your children.
6. An opportunity to speak directly to the other person about issues in a neutral and safe environment.
7. Typically less expensive and simpler than court process.
8. A process where you can also resolve disputed civil matters.

Mediation is not:
1. Someone else telling you what you should or should not do... A mediator acts as a neutral third party.
2. A legal process, although the results can be used to help formalize a legal agreement regarding your mutual decisions.
3. As expensive as litigation. The goal is for the people involved to come to their own agreement.

Here's a link with more information:
http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/divorce/default.asp

If you or someone you know is going through a family separation or involved in a dispute, contact me for a consultation.

Until later,
Leland Clipperton, H.S.C.
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

Life

2011-11-23T09:29:00.000-05:00

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

Attitude changes interpretation!

2011-11-19T09:28:00.001-05:00

Until later,

Leland

2011-11-19T08:13:00.001-05:00

Some of my clients already have the answers they seek... they just don't know what to do with them!

Ask!

2011-11-01T08:57:00.000-04:00

We don't get what we don't ask for!
If we have a resentment because we haven't received what we think we should or are entitled to... it may be because we haven't asked for it!
If you are clear abut something you want... try to not let fear or assumptions get in your way... you know one thing for sure... if you don't ask, you won't receive...
if you ask, at least you have done your part...

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Steve Jobs last words

2011-10-31T17:43:00.000-04:00

Steve Jobs last words...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/30/steve-jobs-last-words_n_1066211.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

2011-10-27T09:29:00.001-04:00

If what I'm thinking or doing isn't creating the result I want... I need to do something else!
Things happen in our lives because of choices we make, consciously or otherwise and at the time we make those choices... they seem like the right thing to do...
what happens after that choice is just more information we didn't have before which, when used effectively, allows us to make a better choice.
Make use of the information you have that will allow you to focus on making better decisions.
Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

2011-10-24T11:29:00.001-04:00

Do something different today!
It seems like human nature to blame... to find fault so that we don't have to be accountable or responsible... it's somehow comforting to be able to say... look what you made me do... or look how you made me feel...
It's difficult to do, however, in the end we are all responsible for our own behaviour and reactions... and when we recognise this... things start to change...

2011-10-22T08:51:00.001-04:00

It's the people who try to be clever who never are; the people who are clever never think of trying to be.
Gilbert Parker

2011-10-21T12:13:00.001-04:00

and a voice rang down from above...
Step away from your ego!
wwwcounsellingandmediation.com

2011-10-20T11:58:00.001-04:00

In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.
Confucius

2011-10-20T11:32:00.001-04:00

connect with someone else's heart today!

watch what you watch!

2011-10-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

We all have the right to determine what we "entertain" in our minds...
If you're watching a "channel" that isn't benefiting you... change the channel!

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

interpretation

2011-10-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

Everything is subject to our individual interpretation!
Our interpretation is an indicator of why we think what we think...
What's your interpretation?

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.cm
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Make a difference

2011-10-07T08:14:00.002-04:00

Most clients I work with want to be able to make a difference in the world...

Many seem to strive for goals that are financially or ego defined successes... lots of money, satisfying relationship, good job, nice house, new cars...

and yet, those who have achieved those goals, they either seem to want more or something different... they keep searching as they are not yet satisfied... so, the natural impulse is to choose a different goal... as if it was the choice of goals they originally picked that were wrong!

What's wrong with this picture? Why doesn't this work? ... Could it be that the process is wrong?

Our need to search for ego satisfaction often comes from an underlying sense of emptiness or dis-connection with ourselves... and others... often experienced as a sense of lonliness.

Today... try a different process... practice altruism... do something for someone else without expection from them... make a difference in someone else's life ...

for as you lift others, you shall be carried.

Until later
Leland Clipperton

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
905 510 9117
705 999 2107

today

2011-10-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

We are a direct result of all the decisions we have made in our past, conscious or not, right up to this moment...

And... most decisions are based on all the information we have at that moment in time, only information we gather afterwards causes us (or others) to judge those decisions as bad or wrong decisions...

So... it is incorrect then for us to use that negative self-judgement as part of a new (wrong) decision... only as information to make a different decision.

If we are not creating the outcome we want... it starts with making a different decision!

Until later,
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
(705) 999-2107
(905) 510-9117

Grief

2011-09-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

Grief is a normal emotional response to loss… typically loss of a loved one but can also be from loss of a job, financial losss, etc. The emotional impact can be directly attributed to the emotional investment you have in that relationship and varies from individual to individual… there are no rules to grieving!It is often helpful to set up a few sessions that will help with your understanding of what you are going through.

Here is a link to a booklet that will help:
http://knowledgex.camh.net/amhspecialists/resources_families/Documents/hope_and_healing.pdf

Until later,
Leland Clipperton
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
leland@counsellingandmediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

Real Cases

2011-08-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

Who needs Hollywood when we have Family Court?

When Ontario’s Superior Court of Justice Quinn was assigned the case of Larry Bruni v. Catherine Bruni in 2010, he was not looking for entertainment. What he found was a family in crisis with parents feuding over their children.

After Larry and Catherine were married, they had two children, 13 year old Taylor and 11 year old Brandon. Larry’s close friend was Sam. They worked together. Larry was the best man at Sam’s wedding. A few years later, Sam separated from his wife. This was around the same time that Larry and Catherine also separated. Sam and Catherine are now together and live very close to Larry and his new partner.

After Mr. Justice Quinn presided over this trial (where neither parent was represented by a lawyer), he sat down to write his judgment.

In his opening paragraph, he writes:

“Paging Dr. Freud. Paging Dr. Freud.”

And then, he continues:

“This is yet another case that reveals the ineffectiveness of Family Court in a bitter custody/access dispute, where the parties require therapeutic intervention rather than legal attention. Here, a husband and wife have been marinating in a mutual hatred so intense as to surely amount to a personality disorder requiring treatment.”

The following are some quotations of Mr. Justice Quinn in the judgment:

“In the midst of this social stew, perhaps it is not surprising that Larry and Catherine are having problems, serious problems, regarding the custody of, and access to, their children. The source of the difficulties is hatred: a hardened, harmful, high-octane hatred. Larry and Catherine hate each other, as do Larry and Sam. This hatred has raged unabated since the date of separation. Consequently, the likelihood of an amicable resolution is laughable (hatred devours reason) and a satisfactory legal solution is impossible (hatred has no legal remedy).”

“At one point in the trial, I asked Catherine: “If you could push a button and make Larry disappear from the face of the earth, would you push it ?
Her ‘I just won a lottery’ smile implied the answer that I expected.”

“It is likely that, in the period 2004 to 2006, Larry was having one or more extramarital affairs. Interestingly, Larry’s father was married 5 times, in addition to going through several relationships. Perhaps there is an infidelity gene.”
“Larry gave evidence that, less than one month later, Catherine “tried to run me over with her van.” This is always a telltale sign that a husband and wife are drifting apart.”

“On November 21, 2006, Catherine demanded $400 from Larry or her brother was “going to get the Hells Angels after me.” The courtroom energy level in a custody/access dispute spikes quickly when there is evidence that one of the parents has a Hells Angels branch in her family tree. Certainly, my posture improved. Catherine’s niece is engaged to a member of the Hells Angels. I take judicial notice of the fact that the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club is a criminal organization (and of the fact that the niece has made a poor choice).”

“On August 13, 2007, Catherine’s niece (Donna), telephoned Larry “and told me I will get a bullet in my head if I don’t sign the adoption papers. She called back later and told me I’m as good as dead.” She called a third time “to tell me her father and uncles are coming to kill me.” Donna is a devotee of the literary device known as “repetition for emphasis.” I do not know whether Donna is the niece who is engaged to the Hells Angels member. If she is, they may be more compatible than I initially surmised.”

“Larry, who regularly drives by the residence of Sam and Catherine, often shoots the finger. A finger is worth a thousand words and, therefore, is particularly useful should one have a vocabulary of less than a thousand words.”

“On another occasion in July of 2009, Larry said to Taylor: ‘You put shit in this hand and shit in this hand, smack it together, what do you get ? Taylor.’ I gather that this is Larry’s version of the Big Bang Theory.”

“The parental alienation in this case reflects an intent by Catherine to destroy the relationship between Taylor and Larry; it is shocking conduct. It also amounts to a hideous repudiation of the relationship between Catherine and Larry as co-parents of Taylor. The harm here probably is irreparable.”

In his final expression of exasperation, Mr. Justice Quinn writes:

“It is touching how a trial judge can retain his naivety even after 15 years on the bench.”

Thanks to Steve Benmor...

Until later,

Leland

www.CounsellingandMediation.com

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

Good Intentions

2011-07-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

My Dad used to say to me that the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
Most people mean well... they don't mean to do things or say things that are meant to be hurtful.
I will say, sorry, I didn't mean to do that!... I didn't mean to say that!
The safest conclusion I've been able to come to is that our crimes are not ones of intent, but ones of thoughtlessness or lack of consideration...
the rule of thumb being to practice being more considerate and thoughtful... easier said than done!

Until later,
Leland
www.counsellingandmediation.com

Miracles and Magic

2011-07-24T08:14:00.000-04:00

God doesn't do magic... only miracles!
If you're looking for a magical solution for your problem, you're probably looking for another bandaid... something that will bring you comfort without effort... i.e. a pill, a drink, winning the lottery, someone else changing...

Magic is just another illusion in a world of illusions.... miracles are possible when we allow ourselves to get outside of our limited perspective... our own egos... to allow ourselves to see something differently... to see other possibilities...

until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

2011-07-10T08:13:00.000-04:00

Doug Boehm

The Therapist Will See You Now, via the Web

SEE a therapist without leaving your home?

In an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Dr. Thomas F. Dwyer, a Massachusetts psychiatrist, says he has practiced “telepsychiatry,” via video teleconferencing, for five years. Its “adoption by psychiatrists and patients,” he predicts, “will proceed quickly if the organizers cope with the irrational responses of some users.”

That article appeared almost 40 years ago (Am J Psychiatry 130:865-869, August 1973. It told how microwave television signals were used to connect a satellite clinic to Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.

Today, even with the rise of the Internet, virtual therapy hasn’t been widely adopted. But several start-up companies in Canada like www.CounsellingandMediation.com and www.PASSN.com, are trying to make Dr. Dwyer’s decades-old vision a workaday reality.

Therapy delivered over the Internet, says Lynn Bufka, a psychologist and staff member of the American Psychological Association, “may open access to those who might be reluctant to go to an office or to those who might be physically or psychologically unable to.”

Proponents of Internet-based therapy point to some research suggesting that it is effective for certain kinds of conditions, like depression and anxiety. Reporting in The Lancet in 2009, a team of researchers found that cognitive-behavioral therapy delivered remotely to depressed patients in Britain continued to show benefits eight months later.

But companies promoting online therapy in the States must deal with uneven or absent support from insurance companies, Medicare and Medicaid. Most states don’t require insurers to pay for “telehealth” services (those not delivered in person). And any reimbursements can be less substantial than for in-person treatment. Medicare offers reimbursement only if providers are very scarce, as in rural areas.

One disadvantage of online therapy through teleconferencing is that it can be harder to ‘read’ each other’s cues that are not visible, like body language. Humor can misfire, and some people may really benefit from having the personal relationship of therapy.

Counselling and Mediation Services (www.CounsellingandMediation.com) uses skype to provide a virual therapy room experience where visual cues and nuances are easier to observe. These services are also extended for providing Family Mediation services, primarily for couples who are going through marital separation.

Professor Turvey, who is also the vice chairwoman of the telemental health group of the American Telemedicine Association, says her group does have concerns about how prepared online therapists might be for a crisis.
When patients came to a clinic in the earliest days of telepsychiatry, in the 1960s, someone was on hand who was trained to follow an emergency protocol. But homes and offices are “clinically unsupervised settings,” Professor Turvey says. She recommends that the therapist collect emergency contact information at the first e-consultation.

Patients with a strong desire for anonymity might log off, however, before providing such data. Ms. Malik, of CopeToday, says the therapists she represents — 90 percent of whom have private practices in traditional offices — do not collect personal contact information from their online patients. “If you’re counselling and it escalates, we would call 911,” she says.

Almost 40 years have passed since Dr. Dwyer, the psychiatrist, wrote of how he had initially been skeptical of the efficacy of telepsychiatry. His research showed him that it could be effective. But reimbursement policies were not a part of his experiment’s design.

when you separate...

2011-07-09T10:22:00.000-04:00

Tensions run high, and couples often make poor decisions in the heat of the moment. Given the mountain of financial, practical and emotional details that have to be sorted, it’s not surprising so many couples wind up making critical mistakes on the road to divorce.

You can make it less stressful by using a family mediator who will help guide you through the process and help you resolve your differences.

Here are some things to NOT DO when you are separating:

Don’t Increase Your Debt

Divorce can be expensive... mediation is typically less expensive and faster. On top of lawyer's fees, you will need money to set up a new household. Though it may be difficult to make ends meet, you should get used to having less now. Remember, your legal bills and court costs may come due before you receive your first payment of alimony or even your share of the marital property. Start a budget... even if you've never done this before... it's better to know what you're dealing with.

Don’t Take It Out On the Kids

Children reflect the attitudes and responses of their parents. Be responsible in what you are allowing them to experience. Children need a supportive environment to deal with divorce. Minimize the amount you talk about the process. It will give you more time to be there for them. Refocus your energy so you can attend their school and after-school events, help them with homework, and take them out once in a while to the movies or the zoo. When you are relaxed, they get more relaxed. Though you should be comfortable talking with your children about the divorce, the point of this divorce is to relieve stress on you and your family. You can read more about the effects on children on my website... www.CounsellingandMediation.com

Don’t Forget to have a look at your Will and Insurance

Divorce does not automatically revoke a will. If you want to prevent your soon-to-be-ex-spouse from receiving the monies and privileges granted them in your will, you need to update your will. You can re-do a will at any time. But if you die before you are granted a divorce, and you have left your spouse nothing, he or she can sue and recover part of your estate.

Don’t Refuse to See a Therapist

Seeing a therapist can help you get through the range of emotions that you will experience during your divorce. It is a good idea to get help before you become extremely depressed or angry. A therapist is not just someone to talk to. They are also a professional who can show you how to relax, how to talk to your kids, and how to remain calm in court. Most importantly, a therapist can help you figure out how to become self-sufficient.

Leland Clipperton
psychotherapist. family mediator

705 999-2107
905 510-9117

leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com

Our external struggles mirror our internal...

2011-07-05T07:28:00.001-04:00

Our external struggles mirror our internal.

If you notice something bothering you about another person or situation, consider that that particular sensitivity may be unique to you and that there must be a reason for that...

Consider that this occurs as an indicator... one which requires attention, focus, learning and potential growth.

Leland Clipperton
Psychotherapist, Mediator

www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999-2107
905 510-9117

The keys to a great relationship?

2011-06-03T07:37:00.000-04:00

Want to know how to have a great relationship?

email: Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

Separation Issues

2011-06-02T22:44:00.000-04:00

How Do I Avoid Being Criminally Charged By My Spouse?

By Daniel Moore*

It is an unfortunate truth that, at times of separation, one spouse occasionally seeks to get the upper hand by making a false allegation to the police and having their spouse charged with a criminal offence. A criminal charge will usually remove the spouse from the matrimonial home and may severely restrict access to the children.

The following are some tips that may help you avoid being charged, or at least assist in your defence if you do get charged:

The most common criminal charges are 'assault' and 'threatening'. Remember that an assault includes even the most minor touching, such as a push or a poke with your finger. So walk away if an argument starts, remembering that your spouse may be intentionally trying to upset you in the hopes that you will react. Never say (even if you don't mean it) phrases that refer to death, bodily harm or property damage such as "I wish you were dead", "I'm going to kill you", "If I can't have you, no one else can", "I'll never let you go", "I'll burn this bed before I let you sleep with someone else in it", etc.
Keep a detailed daily journal recording where you are and who you are with so that if your spouse says you did something at 4:00 p.m. six weeks ago you can respond that this would be impossible as you were somewhere else and the person you were with can be a witness for you.
If your interactions with your spouse are hostile, avoid contact as much as possible by, for example, using a friend or relative to assist in dropping off and picking up the children.
Never send an email or call your spouse while angry.
Let your lawyers do what you pay them to do. Don't discuss custody, access or money issues directly with your spouse.
Use a digital recording device or an App for your smartphone to record all your interactions with your spouse so that you can play the conversation back to the police if your spouse reports you. Recording conversations that you are not a party to is unlawful.
If you are a firearm owner, be 100% certain that it is properly registered and safely stored. If possible, get rid of it entirely.
If you are attempting to reconcile, use the professional help of a counselor or therapist.
Do NOT try to be an amateur detective and follow your spouse around hoping to discover infidelity, as this may be seen as criminal harassment.
Do NOT access password-protected emails or other data, even if it is on a shared computer.
Do NOT use a "keytracker" or other program to surreptitiously monitor your spouse's computer use.
If there has been infidelity, DO NOT contact the other party or the other party's spouse.

*Daniel Moore is a Certified Specialist in Criminal law and is a partner with the law offices of Heller, Rubel

Spiritual Healing

2011-05-20T08:19:00.002-04:00

When you have 32 minutes... watch this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXWOAnAIXuc

Teaching - Learning

2011-05-15T07:18:00.000-04:00

The value of any teaching is seen in the resultant learning.

The Launching of Greenpeace

2011-04-24T09:42:00.000-04:00

The Story of the 1970 Concert that Launched Greenpeace
October 16th, 1970, 8 p.m.

Night has fallen and it’s dark outside the Pacific Coliseum, Vancouver’s largest concert arena, but inside all is bright and tinged with the adrenaline buzz of ten thousand ticket-holders. A pungent potpourri of patchouli, sandalwood and Acapulco Gold is wafting through the stadium. My mother, flanked by my fifteen-year-old brother and me, is sitting in the first row of chairs lined up in front of the stage. Every seat has been taken, and those unwilling to sit in the stands are plunking themselves down in the aisles and on the floor in front of us, with scant resistance from volunteer ushers.

Shortly after eight the house lights dim and a raucous cheer erupts as Terry David Mulligan, deejay of local rock station CKVN, saunters onstage. The whole arena is humming, vibrating with anticipation. I slip off my chair and slide into the crush of bodies on the floor. A shiver of expectation shakes my whole body. Can this really, finally, be happening?

When my father said he was going to organize “a rock concert” I thought he’d gone out of his mind. Dad had never organized a concert before, and the thought of my middle-aged father dealing with rock stars was just sad. Besides, it was absurd to think that anyone would play for free for an obscure little group which a local journalist had sniggeringly characterized as a handful of “eco-freaks and beardies.”

“I’d like to introduce…Mr. Irving Stowe.”

Dad is a big man, nearly six foot, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him stand so tall. He’s wearing a long-sleeved, button-down Brooks Brothers shirt left over from his trial lawyer days, which I’ve tie-dyed. The thick white Egyptian cotton took the blue dye exceptionally well, and the cloth is streaked here and there with pale lines like trailing balloon strings. Shapes reminiscent of clouds hover here and there in clusters. It looks like he is wearing the sky.

“By coming here tonight you are making possible a trip for life and for peace.”

His resonant voice rings out into the cavernous space. “You are supporting the first Greenpeace project: sending a ship to Amchitka Island to try to stop the testing of hydrogen bombs there or anywhere!”
Applause explodes all around me, and I smile up at Dad, knowing he can’t see me in that blaze of light, and then tears blur my vision and I can’t see anything anymore. It’s the proudest moment of my fourteen-year-old life. It all started at the end of the summer of ‘69.

The Sixties were drawing to a close. All over the globe people had taken to the streets, marching against a nuclear arms race that jeopardized the planet, demanding civil rights and repudiating the Vietnam War. Women turned gender roles on their heads and gays burst out of legally enforced closets. Revolution was the order of the day.

In Vancouver, Canada, my idealistic parents, inspired by legendary activists Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, dreamt of a world where revolutions were crafted from velvet instead of steel. As members of the Society of Friends (Quakers), a pacifist sect with a long tradition of intense social activism, they progressed from dreaming to action. Among their other causes was an underground railroad which helped Vietnam war resisters find shelter in hippie hangouts on Vancouver’s Fourth Avenue, a.k.a Haight Ashbury North. Teens like me gravitated to Fourth Avenue too, peering shyly into head shops,
fingering turquoise in the House of Orange bead shop and flipping through stacks of LPs at Rohan’s Records. My family downed its first vegetarian curry and drank chai at the Golden Lotus. “Peace”, everyone said, flashing “V” signs and radiant smiles. The anthem of the Sixties, the Beatles’ song “All You Need is Love,” lulled us all into a sleepy euphoria of innocence and hope.

But before the decade ended, the bliss of Woodstock would be shattered by murder at Altamont while the Rolling Stones played on. Casualties in Vietnam would escalate into the hundreds of thousands. And on Amchitka Island, 4,000 kilometers from our hometown, the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission would drill deep into one of the most seismically volatile regions on the planet, preparing for a series of nuclear weapons tests.

My father was incensed when he heard about the atomic experiments on Amchitka Island. Seismologists were warning that any sub-surface blast -- nuclear or otherwise -- in the tectonically unstable Aleutian Island Chain could initiate earthquakes and tidal waves all over the Pacific Rim. And Amchitka was a dedicated wildlife preserve, world renowned as the site where sea otters –- hunted to near extinction by the beginning of the twentieth century –- had first begun to recover.

When Dad heard that sea otters were washing up dead on the shores of Amchitka with their eardrums split by trial blasts, he exploded in his own carefully controlled way. He grabbed a pen and scrawled a petition to “Stop the Bomb!” Then he stormed downtown to the US Consulate and stood outside in the rain, collecting signatures.

Meanwhile, journalist Bob Hunter was writing in his environmental column in the Vancouver Sun that the U.S. was playing “a game of Russian roulette with a nuclear pistol pressed against the head of the world.” On October 1st 1969, Hunter and my father stood together on a makeshift stage at the Peace Arch border crossing just south of Vancouver, addressing six thousand angry students, housewives, clergy, anarchists and other disparate groups. By the end of “Operation Borderclose” the crowd had forced traffic to a standstill, closing the Canada/US border and .

Similar, smaller protests erupted at customs checkpoints all across Canada. In vain. Less than twenty-four hours after we hoisted “Don’t Make a Wave” signs at the Peace Arch, a 1.2 megaton blast ripped through pristine Amchitka Island. The Atomic Energy Commission promptly declared the experiment a success and scheduled a five megaton test for the fall of 1971, two years hence. Code-named “Cannikin,” it would carry more than four hundred times the power of the bomb that leveled Hiroshima.

My father gathered a small but potent group of activists together to form the “Don’t Make a Wave Committee” (DMAW). The first to join were fellow Quakers and ex-Americans Jim and Marie Bohlen. Jim was a visionary engineer who’d worked on nuclear weapon delivery systems before becoming radicalized and shifting his focus to environmental engineering. His wife Marie was a respected nature illustrator.

Both were ardent conservationists, who -- like my parents -- believed in the Quaker practice of “bearing witness” to wrongdoing. But how could DMAW bear witness to nuclear tests on an island located roughly halfway between Alaska and Russia? Marie casually came up with the solution one morning over breakfast:
“Why not sail a boat up there?”

No sooner had she spoken than the phone rang. On a slow news day it wasn’t unusual for journalists to call local activists, looking for a story. Jim, hearing a reporter on the other end of the line, boldly improvised a plan to sail a boat to Amchitka. The next day the Sun printed the story as if the voyage was a done deal. Dad called an emergency meeting of DMAW. Everyone approved of the plan, despite the fact that DMAW had no money, no boat, and hardly any of its members had ever sailed before. As the meeting drew to a lose, Dad flashed the “V” sign at community activist Bill Darnell as he headed out the door. “Hey, Bill! Peace!”
Bill was known more for listening than speaking, but tonight he tossed off a spontaneous reply in the deep bass voice I found so incongruous in a twenty-three year old:

“Let’s make it a green peace.”

The phrase resonated, and not only in the basement of the Unitarian Church. Quiet, thoughtful Bill had captured the zeitgeist in two words. A burgeoning environmental awareness -- stoked by Rachel Carson’s ecological wake-up call, “Silent Spring” -- was seeping into the consciousness of peace activists everywhere, prompting them to consider a larger definition of war. Urbanites who’d never farmed before were going “back to the land.” Citizens worldwide were starting to listen to the language of the earth, the sea, and the sky, to pay homage to our singular blue planet.

My father had been writing an environmental column in Vancouver’s underground newspaper, the Georgia Straight. It was one of his oft-repeated caveats that the “military industrial complex” was destroying the environment as well as people. He called Bill the next day, very excited.

“I can’t stop thinking about what you said! Peace…and the environment…this puts it all together.”
Everyone in DMAW heard the magic in the phrase. “That’s what we should call the boat, when we get one,” Jim declared at the next meeting. “The Green Peace.” Marie offered to design a button as a fundraiser.
Dad hammered together vending boxes and the next weekend we all went out to stand on street corners and hawk Greenpeace buttons. But at a quarter a pop, by the spring of 1970 we’d raised less than $500 in button sales, and it would take thousands more to charter a boat.

My father had drawn up DMAW’s constitution, citing two lofty goals: to stop nuclear testing worldwide; and to preserve the environment. But if DMAW couldn’t even raise $18,000 to charter a boat, these visionary ideals would amount to nothing more than a grandiose joke. Reluctantly, the Committee started to take fundraising more seriously. DMAW often met at our house. Sometimes when I came home from ballet I’d perch at the edge of the living room, hugging our black cat and listening to wordsmiths like Dad, Bob Hunter and Ben Metcalfe (a journalist whose radio broadcasts focused on environmental issues) discussing strategy. Amid the frustration that sometimes erupted in diatribes, there were also flashes of luminous speech, which lit up the room like lightning crackling through storm clouds.

Fundraising ideas, however, were scarce. One afternoon Dad came into the kitchen looking more drawn and haggard than I’d ever seen him before. With jittery hands he scooped beans into the coffee grinder.
“I know how we’ll raise the money, Peachy!” he said, using the pet name he’d given me as a child. “We’ll have a rock concert!” There was a false bravado I’d never heard in his voice before. I turned away so he wouldn’t see my expression. As if! I thought. His colleagues in DMAW had a similar response. My mother and Bill Darnell were the only ones who supported the idea. “Fine!” Dad bristled. “I’ll organize it myself.”

In retrospect, putting on a rock concert was perhaps not the most insane idea Dad had ever had. Although I hated to admit it, he was clued-in to the music of the day. His sizable collection of classical and jazz records had expanded within a few years to include a lot of folk and rock. Al Sorenson, the music critic for the Georgia Straight, lent him promo albums, virgin vinyl that hadn’t even hit the airwaves yet. Word got around, and when there were no meetings our living room would fill with a combination of DMAW members, Georgia Straight staff and other friends, all listening to the latest Grateful Dead, Laura Nyro, or other offerings. On those evenings, a reverent silence would reign as Dad slid each LP from an unmarked sleeve and placed it on the turntable. The only light would be a pole lamp beside the stereo system and Dad would sit there with eyes closed and a blissful expression on his face. My parents didn’t smoke (anything) but sometimes a listener would wander onto our sundeck for a toke under the stars. Those evenings were seminal, magic, and the house was filled with an air of hope and awe and wonder.

Dad started writing to musicians. One afternoon in late spring, I came home from school and he tossed me an envelope. “Joan Baez!” My fingers were the ones trembling now. “You got an answer from Joan Baez?”
“She can’t come,” he replied calmly. “She has a previous commitment. But she sent this.” He handed me a cheque for a thousand dollars.

Soon, the Canadian band Chilliwack -- formerly “The Collectors,” whose hit single “Lydia Purple” would become an enduring rock classic -- signed on. Political folksinger Phil Ochs, who had a large and loyal following, also agreed to play. Then Joni Mitchell came through, even donating the cost of renting her grand piano. “Ladies of the Canyon” had been released in April, and Melody Maker would vote her the Top Female Performer of 1970. She was as big a draw as we could possibly hope for.

Suddenly the concert was an actual, happening thing. Our house morphed into DMAW central as everyone pitched in to get posters made, sell tickets and attend to a ton of details. Dad booked the Coliseum for October 16th . At a modest $3 apiece, tickets moved briskly but there were still some available when the phone rang at dinnertime in the beginning of October. “Hello?” My mother, brother and I looked up expectantly from our veggie burgers as Dad put his hand over the mouthpiece. “It’s Joni. She wants to know if it’s okay to bring James Taylor.” Taylor’s album “Sweet Baby James” was shooting up the charts and would reach platinum on October 16th. The concert sold out.

But as mid-October loomed, Canada was spiraling into one of the darkest periods of its political history. A cell of the Québec séparatiste FLQ escalated terrorist activities from mailbox bombings to the kidnapping of dignitaries. At four o’clock on the morning of October 16th, Prime Minister Trudeau invoked the War Measures Act. Tanks rolled through the streets of Montréal, civil liberties were curtailed nationwide and all day long we feared the authorities would try to cancel the concert.

Opposition to Amchitka, however, was widespread. Both right and left wing factions had roundly condemned the tests, and even as far back as October of 1969, when the traditionally conservative RCMP stood idly by while students blocked the border at the Peace Arch, it seemed that on this issue our nation stood largely united. Now, as the expected order to call off the concert failed to materialize, the powers-that-be seemed to be turning a blind eye once more.

Canadian author and editor Alan Twigg later opined, rather more cynically, that the reason the bastions of law and order didn’t cancel the concert was because doing so might have instigated a riot. Whatever the reason for the non-action of the authorities, music triumphed over politics on this night. Phil Ochs stood under the hot Coliseum lights in black jeans and a black leather jacket muttering, “not everyday you get to play in a police state” before launching into “Rhythms of Revolution.”

After a vibrant set, a standing ovation and an encore, he ceded the stage to Chilliwack. Bill Henderson and his band worked their magic with electric guitar, flute, sax, violin, keyboard, drums, bass and vocals, and by the time they ended with a transcendent, extended version of “Rain-O,” the floor was alive with blissed-out dancing hippie chicks. I was one of them, and as Bill sang: “If there’s no audience, there just ain’t no show” I turned around to see the whole Coliseum singing and swaying in unison.

Then my father drew the door prize. “Whoever occupies… seat Number 4, in Row 10, Section F…will be the free guest of the committee on the ship to Amchitka!” Thunderous cheers erupted as a roving spotlight swept the hall and came to rest on North Vancouver high school teacher Ron Jones high up in the stands.
It was a dubious door prize. Although no-one in DMAW would say so aloud, the voyage of the Greenpeace looked like a suicide mission. Sailing in the Aleutians was notoriously dangerous, especially in fall, when unpredictable winds known as “williwaws” ripped through the Bering Sea with enough force to rip a steel boat in half. And when the bomb exploded, if the drill cavities were to vent then everyone on board risked being showered with radioactivity. As if that wasn’t enough, should the blast trigger a tsunami, the Greenpeace would be right in its path. I wondered how the winner of the door prize felt about martyrdom.

Despite the dangers, it seemed like all of Canada wanted to get on that boat. A halibut trawler going up against the U.S. military was a potent David and Goliath image, and people who’d never protested anything in their lives were sending DMAW letters begging to crew. My father even nudged me to apply. “That boat’s going to make history,” he predicted. I resisted his entreaties, but the braver part of me sneered silently that I was a coward.

After the prize drawing, Terry David Mulligan brought James Taylor on. In his quietly mesmerizing voice –- a combination of Bostonian accent and Southern drawl. Taylor lulled us seemingly effortlessly into a blissful euphoria with songs like “Fire and Rain” and “You Can Close Your Eyes”. We were all reluctant to let him go, and it was only by reminding us that Joni was waiting in the wings that he was able to slip away.

The hour was close to midnight when Joni walked on with her long blond hair cascading over her guitar, and the whole stadium seemed to rise several inches off the ground. Equally at home on guitar, piano and dulcimer, she selected a range of songs from older albums as well as a few from the as-yet-unreleased “Blue.” Near the end of her set she called James back to sing a duet of “Mr. Tambourine Man,” and then both artists called their managers (Elliot Roberts and Peter Asher), and Terry David, and my father onstage to join them in “The Circle Game.”

At one a.m. the house lights finally came back up and we all trooped out of the Coliseum. Together, we’d raised roughly $18,000, just enough to charter the fishing boat of Captain John Cormack, the only man brave enough, crazy enough, and... rumor had it -- financially desperate enough to sail to Amchitka.
The Phyllis Cormack, re-christened Greenpeace for the voyage, was readied for the trip and a twelve-man crew was assembled. There were no women, because Captain Cormack wouldn’t allow an unmarried female on his boat, and the only married woman short listed --- Marie Bohlen –- voluntarily gave up her position.

Marie had a child from a previous marriage. Jim had two, including his teenage son Lance who was living with them. I wondered how much it factored into Marie’s decision that, should any of the disasters we feared befall the crew, Lance would lose not only his father but his stepmother too. As we’d discover only later, the Bohlens had another reason to worry. Jim couldn’t bring himself to tell the crew but, the night before the boat was due to leave, he received a disturbing phone call.

The caller was a fisherman who’d sailed with John Cormack. The Captain was quite competent, he assured Jim, but the Phyllis Cormack had sunk twice before, and he had grave doubts she’d even make it a thousand miles up the BC coast to Prince Rupert. It was a bittersweet moment for all of us when the Greenpeace sailed from the False Creek dock on September 15th, 1971. A local rock band played as the crew made emotional farewells with wives, girlfriends and children. We waved goodbye to Jim, Bob, Bill and the others, trying not to trip over the cords of television cameras as ABC, NBC, CBC and other networks vied for position. I sensed Dad’s despair at not being on the boat, though he put on a brave face. In World War II, while flying for the US Civil Air Patrol, he’d contracted a permanent inner ear disorder which gave him such a propensity to motion sickness that even the calmest ocean could make him violently ill. I was conflicted with feelings of relief that none of my family was on board; the desire to stand with those men; and a sinking feeling that none of them were coming back alive.

As the Greenpeace headed for Amchitka, protests escalated throughout the Pacific Rim. My brother Bob led a walkout of 10,000 high school students -- the largest demonstration of its kind ever held in Canada -- before flying to Ottawa with fellow organizer Peter Lando to present a petition, signed by thousands of teens, to the federal government. In the US a coalition of eight organizations (peace activists, native rights groups and conservationists) launched a Supreme Court action against the blasts. Meanwhile, in Japan, protesters were marching with signs that said: “Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Amchitka!” Amidst all this, dispatches from journalists aboard the Greenpeace prompted an international media furor and ignited such national pride that even Prime Minister Trudeau sent a telegram to the crew, wishing them “Godspeed.”

Dorothy Metcalfe, also a journalist, passed her husband Ben’s transmissions on to us before feeding them to Canadian and American networks. It was wrenching to sit in our living room, where so many of the crew had met in recent months, hearing reports of the halibut trawler battling twenty foot waves, especially when radio communication failed and days went by with no contact at all. President Nixon kept delaying the test, and on September 30th, fifteen days after the Greenpeace had set sail from Vancouver, the crew was arrested by the U.S. coastguard. As they fumed in frustration, my father and Jim schemed to charter a second ship. It had taken two years to organize the voyage of the Greenpeace, but support for DMAW was so high now that donations poured in, and within days Dad was able to charter a decommissioned Canadian minesweeper, the Edgewater Fortune. On October 28th 1971, with a crew hastily assembled by skipper Hank Johansen, the 47-metre naval frigate sailed out of Vancouver and surged through stormy seas towards Amchitka.

On the morning of November 6th, 1971, the US Supreme Court ruled -- in a tight 4:3 decision –- in favor of the test, and shortly after noon that day, President Nixon ordered Cannikin detonated. The bomb exploded before the Edgewater Fortune could reach the island. The whole Pacific Rim was stunned by Nixon’s hubris.
We tasted the bitter, age old truth: the sword had vanquished the dove.

My father and Jim Bohlen, exhausted, stepped down from the leadership of DMAW and championed Ben Metcalfe to take over the helm. Our family home continued to operate as the Greenpeace office until 1974, when, my father died of cancer at the age of fifty-nine. Two years before his death, however, he was to savor the sweetest moment of his life. In February, 1972, three months after the Greenpeace and the Edgewater Fortune returned to Vancouver, the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission announced that it was canceling the test series “for political and other reasons”. Eight test cavities had been drilled on Amchitka Island. Only three of them were ever used.

Barbara Stowe
Vancouver, 2009

Link to Greenpeace CD: http://www.amchitka-concert.com/

Everything starts with an idea! What's yours?

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

I'm OK... You're Not!

2011-04-23T07:38:00.000-04:00

Remember the concept that our mind is the projector and what we see and experience in our world is a creation of that which we project?

So what does that mean then when we are so easily finding fault in others, but not in ourselves? Our sensitivities must be developed and coming from our own perception which then creates this need to project our discomfort onto others... seeing them as causes of our discomfort. Otherwise would they really bother us? Would we even notice?

If I'm thinking that you're not ok, where is that thought coming from? And why do I care sssooooo much about that and find a need to focus on THAT..... like it's going to KILL me!

Remember, follow the thought...

Until later,

Leland
www.CounselligandMediation.co
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

the Light

2011-04-22T08:59:00.000-04:00

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
--Leonard Cohen

Until later,
Leland
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Opening Up

2011-04-14T11:39:00.000-04:00

My mind is like a steel trap... not in the way that suggests that I have a good memory, but rather in the way that it is limited and myopic in it's focus!

Although I try to understand another person's experience and am empathetic, I am limited to relate to another person's perspective in exactly the way that they do. Our ego's job is to differentiate... to demand that we stay at arm's length. It does this in self-protection in order to define itself as being unique and exclusive.

How then do we create the sensation of connection?

If we know, understand and apply this knowledge we can begin to suspend the innate judgment (based on difference and fear) to allow ourselves to feel more connected. In fact we do not have to create the connection, we have to be aware of the natural process that our egos undertake as use that to our benefit.

To not use the judgments that occur a thousand times per second to focus on our separation or differences... to become aware of our egos function and not have this interpreted information be a threat to its (egos) existence.

The more threatened our egos become, the more differences we notice and focus on. When we are more relaxed within ourselves, the less our need to sense a threat.

As great as our minds are, we need to recognize the extent to which we can be limited by our own experience, perspective and interpretations.

Start with considering that all of us have our differing ways of looking at things. We may be agreeable on some level, but not able to do this in an absolute manner. Make this the norm. Then, hopefully that will allow you to open up to another possibility, that there is no harm intended by the difference, that it is, in fact, a requirement of wanting to believe that we are individuals and therefore, separate and disconnected.

This, in turn, will create an openness to not being threatened. I encourage curiosity... be curious about another persons experience or perspective, not threatened... and allow for a better sense of connection.

Until later,
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Personal Love?

2011-04-12T07:10:00.001-04:00

This is an interesting piece from Eckhart Tolle on love...

It may help to understand the difference between ego love and the essence of love... worthwhile read...

Eckhart on Personal Love

Q: If we’re all one, why do we feel drawn toward certain individuals in an expression of “personal love”?

ET: True love is transcendental. Without recognition of the formless within yourself, there can be no true transcendental love. If you cannot recognize the formless in yourself, you cannot recognize yourself in the other. The recognition of the other as yourself in essence – not the form – is true love. As long as the conditioned mind operates and you are completely identified with it, there’s no true love. There may be substitutes, things that are called “love” but are not true love. For example, “falling in love”…perhaps most of us have experienced it. Maybe one or two at this moment are “in love”, and those who have experienced it have also experienced “falling out of love”.

We need to remember to understand [the difference between] true love and other forms of so-called love. We are in the relative as form, and in the absolute as formless consciousness. The two dimensions that the human being embodies are the ‘human’ and the ‘being’. The human is the form, the being is the formless, the timeless consciousness itself. It sometimes happens that the form has an affinity with other forms. It could happen for a number of reasons. One being that this form has come out of another form – called your mother – and so there is an affinity of this form with that other form. You have a love toward your mother that might be called ‘personal’. Another aspect of affinity with another form is male/female. You can be drawn to another body in a sexual way, and it’s sometimes called “love”. Especially if the sexual act is denied long enough, it’s more likely to develop into obsessive love…so much so, that in cultures where you could not have sex until you were married, falling in love could be a huge thing and could lead to suicide. Naturally, there is an affinity of the male/female, the incompleteness of this form. The primary incompleteness of this form is that you are either a man or a woman. The oneness has become the duality of male/female.

The pull towards the other is an attempt to find wholeness, completeness, fulfillment through the opposite polarity, in an attempt to find the Oneness. That lies at the basis of the attraction. It’s to do with form, because on the level of form you are not whole – you are one half of the whole. One half of humanity is male, one half is female, roughly.

You have the attraction for the other, then there may be finding certain qualities in another human being that resonate with certain qualities in yourself. Or, if they don’t resonate, it may be the opposite that you feel drawn to. If you are a very peaceful person, maybe you feel drawn toward a dramatic person, or vice-versa. And again, you are hoping for some completion there. You can have an affinity with another form, which can be called ‘personal love’. If personal love is all that there is, then what is missing is the transcendental dimension of the formless – which is where true love arises. Is that part of the personal love, or is the personal level all that there is? That determines whether that so-called “love” is going to turn into something painful eventually, and frustrating, or if there is a deepening.

There may be an attraction that is initially sexual between two humans. If they start living together, this cannot endure for that long and be the fulfillment of the relationship. At some point, sexual/emotional [attraction] needs to deepen and the transcendental dimension needs to come in, to some extent, for it to deepen. Then true love shines through the personal. The important thing is that true love emanates from the timeless, non-formal dimension of who you are. Is that shining through the personal love that is to do with affinity of forms? If it is not, there is complete identification with form, and complete identification with form is ego.

Many times you may think “that’s it!” and after living together for a little while you realize “that was a mistake”, or “I was completely deluded”. Even in parent-children relationships, which is a very close bond on the level of form, if the transcendental dimension does not shine through, eventually the love between children and parents turns into something else. This is why so many people have very problematic relationships with their parents.

Some relationships may start as purely form-based, and then the other dimension comes in after a while. Perhaps only after a lot of problems, and perhaps you get close to a breakup, when suddenly there is a deepening and then you are able to bring in space.

The key is to ask, “Is there space in this relationship?” Or are there only thoughts and emotions? It’s dreadful prison to inhabit if you live with a person and all you have are thoughts and emotions. Occasionally you are okay, but there is disagreement, friction.

We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.

Not mental noise, not emotional waves. That does not mean that there cannot be emotions or thoughts, but there is something else present in the relationship. That applies not only to close personal relationships, but also to more superficial relationships at work.

With any human relationship, the question is, “Is there space?” It’s a pointer. Space is when thought becomes unimportant – even an emotion becomes unimportant.

When people live together, sometimes the other is no longer acknowledged in daily life because there is so much to do. If you wake up in the morning, is there a moment when you acknowledge the presence of the other?

It’s the most wonderful thing if you can be there for the other as space, rather than as a person. At this very moment, you can either be here as a person, or you can be here as the space.

Until later,
Leland

Delayed sex is better

2011-04-09T07:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, for some of us, this is kind of obvious...

Delaying sex makes for a more satisfying and stable relationship later on, new research finds.

Couples who had sex the earliest — such as after the first date or within the first month of dating — had the worst relationship outcomes.

"What seems to happen is that if couples became sexual too early, this very rewarding area of the relationship overwhelms good decision-making and keeps couples in a relationship that might not be the best for them in the long-run," study researcher Dean Busby, of Brigham Young University's School of Family Life.

Busby and his colleagues published their work Dec. 28 in the Journal of Family Psychology. The study was supported by research grants from the School of Family Life and the Family Studies Center at Brigham Young University, which is owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or the Mormon Church.

Past research on sex and its link to relationship quality has revealed two different paradigms. In one, sex is considered essential to a developing relationship since it allows partners to assess their sexual compatibility. Following this line of thinking, couples who marry before testing out their sexual chemistry are at risk of marital distress and failure later on.

The opposing view posits couples who delay or abstain from sexual intimacy during the early part of their relationships allow communication and other social processes to become the foundation of their attraction to each other. Essentially, early sex could be detrimental to a relationship, skewing it away from communication, commitment and the ability to handle adversity, this thinking suggests.

And past studies have shown the sex-relationship link is a complex one. For instance, a 2004 study of nearly 300 college students in dating relationships showed that when couples were highly committed, sex was more likely to be seen as a positive turning point in the relationship, increasing understanding, commitment, trust and a sense of security. However, when commitment and emotional expressions were low, the initiation of sex was significantly more likely seen as a negative event, evoking regret, uncertainty, discomfort, and prompting apologies.

In the new study, Busby and his colleagues looked specifically at timing of sexual relations. They recruited 2,035 heterosexual individuals who had an average age of 36 and were in their first marriages. Participants reported when they first had sexual relations with their current spouse; they also answered communication questions, which evaluated how well they could express empathy and understanding toward their partners, how well they could send clear messages to their partners, and other questions.

Other items on the questionnaire focused on relationship satisfaction and stability, with the latter gauged by three questions: how often they thought their relationship was in trouble; how often they thought of ending the relationship; and how often they had broken up and gotten back together.

Individuals were categorized as either having:

Early sex (before dating or less than one month after they started dating).
Late sex (between one month and two years of dating).
And those who waited until after they married.

Relationships fared better and better the longer a person waited to have sex, up until marriage, with those hitting the sack before a month showing the worst outcomes.

Compared with those in the early sex group, those who waited until marriage:

Rated relationship stability as 22 percent higher
Rated relationship satisfaction as 20 percent higher
Rated sexual quality as 15 percent better
Rated communication as 12 percent better

"Curiously, almost 40 percent of couples are essentially sexual within the first or second time they go out, but we suspect that if you asked these same couples at this early stage of their relationship – 'Do you trust this person to watch your pet for a weekend many could not answer this in the affirmative' – meaning they are more comfortable letting people into their own bodies than they are with them watching their cat," Busby said.

He added that those couples who wait to be sexual have time to figure out how trustworthy their partner is, how well they communicate, and whether they share the same values in life "before the powerful sexual bonding short-circuits their decision-making abilities."

Right now, the team is repeating the study on a larger sample in a longitudinal design – in which participants are followed over time. "We are particularly curious about people who report wanting to wait to be sexual but then they don't follow through on their beliefs, this may be a unique group with unique outcomes," Busby said.

Chasing Peace?

2011-04-08T21:19:00.001-04:00

Are you in a state of conflict, having struggles, relationship issues, financial problems, confused, feeling helpless, feeling lonely, wondering when something good is going to happen?

Many are seeking an answer... the answer... looking for some magical solution to resolve their problems once and for all... maybe winning the lottery?

There is an answer that will help! But it takes some effort on your part... but if you're saying I'll do anything... I'll do whatever it takes... anything is better than the way it is right now...

If you don't have what you think you want in your life... why not?

Call or email me to set up a time when you can begin your path to peace.

Until later
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

Healing... One Mind at a Time

2011-04-06T09:14:00.000-04:00

We all tend to be very rigid in our minds regarding what we believe the world to be as well as then feeling the compelling need to blame others or the situation as the cause of our demise.

We can even believe (irrationally) that people who love us consciously create harm to us... this is our ego thinking running wild... trying to protect itself and it's beliefs.

We have a subconscious pre-existing conclusion that is often self-sabotaging and then set out on a daily basis to gather evidence to support our sense of reality...

We do not set out to do this consciously or willfully. When we are hurt as a result of our efforts, we then need to blame because why would we act in such horrific ways. Why would we choose to harm ourselves? Most of us claim to not know any of these thoughts, not want to explore the belief that we are, at the least, contributing to the existence that we complain about.

Healing is not a spiritual act as our spirit knows nothing of what we are doing. Our spirit is about connection, love, nurturing, altruistic caring... it is not about, nor can it be about fear, judgment, guilt, punishment, etc. These are all brought about from our ego needs... our humanity.

The healing that is required is our minds. What we hold in our minds is what we hold in our hands. We project our minds into a reality and then point at that reality as the perpetrator.
I tell many of my clients that the most challenging and difficult part of being in psychotherapy is becoming fully accountable and self-responsible... the other part is allowing an integral connection to occur with another human being without judgment.

If we are then somewhat responsible for our situations, then isn't that the good news???? We can change our lives in a fundamental way. This is not accomplished without challenge and cannot be accomplished on our own... but it can and does occur... one mind at a time.

Until later,
Leland
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510-9117

Family Court Reform?

2011-04-05T08:22:00.000-04:00

Kirk Makin wrote the following in the Globe and Mail March 25, 2011....

One of Canada's best hopes for family-law reform is Ontario Chief Justice Warren Winkler: He is influential, has a track record of reform and has sounded a steady drumbeat for change. And his patience is wearing thin.

“At a certain point, let's not adjust any more,” Chief Justice Winkler said from his home in rural Ontario. “This has been studied to death. We have to sit down with a white piece of paper and redesign the system. It has to be made cheaper, faster and simpler, without convoluted rules.”

Known for his tell-it-like-it-is attitude, he has heard many complaints from judges and lawyers since his appointment in 2007. “Everywhere I go, there is a constant refrain: The family-law system is broken and it's too expensive,” he said. “My strategy has been to get a discussion going. I'm the bully pulpit. But I get frustrated when not very much happens.”

A former trial judge with a reputation for banging heads together to resolve corporate and commercial cases, Chief Justice Winkler has a history of getting results.

A few years ago, he designed a process that slashed the Toronto civil-case wait-list. “We went from waiting 37 months to a trial to pretty much having one whenever you were ready,” he said. “As soon as you have a courtroom with the lights on, the settlement rate skyrockets.”

Chief Justice Winkler's manifesto for change, which he has been advocating for about a year, is based on a premise that most litigants cannot afford the financial and emotional toll of navigating a cumbersome process that leads from separation to the final dissolution of a marriage.

His model system would see a “triage” judge hear the gist of a case as soon as an action is launched. The judge would decide which track it is best suited for: mediation, traditional court processes, quick movement to decide child custody, and so on.

Most cases would move rapidly toward mediation with the same judge shepherding them along. “It's hugely costly to see a different person every time you go in,” Chief Justice Winkler said.

Even then, the number of forms, steps and rules in the family-law system entangle lawyers in paper trails. They also make the system impenetrable to many self-represented spouses – an estimated half of all litigants.

“The family court rules look like a Boeing manual for an airplane,” Chief Justice Winkler said. “It's the hours that are the killer. We have to make the system faster, less technical, and not have these convoluted rules.”

Inevitably, cases that move through the system faster become simpler, since there isn't time for as many motions. “As soon as the trial date is a couple of weeks away or a month away instead of three years from now, the motions all go away,” he said. “I used to say: ‘You can have an adjournment if you die or if you promise to. But otherwise, I'm not adjourning this case.' ”

Judges will have to play a role in rigorously policing parties who dilly-dally. “A trial date cannot be negotiable,” the Chief Justice said. “Here is the timeline you are on. If you don't meet it, your world is going to come apart.”

Martha McCarthy, a veteran Toronto family lawyer, said her bar has warmed to the attention from Chief Justice Winkler. “He's a bit of a rebel,” she said. “What he is saying is brilliant.”

She said the rules governing family court were created with the best of intentions, “but they have turned out to be not workable. The system is too complicated and expensive and we are buried in forms. Looking at the whole system again may not go over well with a lot of people, but it is revolutionary.”

Ms. McCarthy said her bar's main reservation about what Chief Justice Winkler initially advocated was his emphasis on mandatory mediation – a process that can put domestic-abuse victims across the table from their abusers in a mediator's office.

However, bar leaders met with Chief Justice Winkler and found him willing to modify his proposal from mandatory to “presumptive” mediation, in which judges can take suitable cases and home in on particular areas in which to create a peaceful resolution.

“We may not solve everything, but we may resolve two-thirds of it,” he said. “If we only have to litigate one little issue that's left, it can take just half a day. It saves a ton of money.”

The Chief Justice is also keen on the widespread creation of unified courts that would bring aspects of federal jurisdiction (divorce) and provincial procedures (access and custody; division of assets) under one roof.

“People wouldn't be running from one court to the other,” Ms. McCarthy said, approvingly. “We would have specialized judges.”

Chief Justice Winkler said the sort of redesign he is advocating means that governments have to co-operate and lawyers must commit themselves to less courtroom brawling and more mediation. He sees his role as being both a catalyst to get people talking about the issue and a participant in an ongoing, high-level dialogue with attorneys-general.

Given his stature, Chief Justice Winkler's voice adds force to a growing clamour for reform. Though there have not been any bills tabled on this as yet, his proposals will probably fuel bar committee reports and presentations to ministers of justice.

“This is an area that cries out for change, but it just needs resolve,” he said. “If legislators pass the laws, rules will be made to apply that law. Then, court administrators can administrate those rules. Bingo, bango, bongo, it all trickles down.”

Kirk Makin is The Globe and Mail's justice reporter.

Growth

2011-04-02T08:38:00.001-04:00

The secret in learning martial arts is to overcome ones problems and when in a state of humility, to strengthen ones mind, body & spirit.

The more difficult of the tasks ahead lies in the acquisition of self-discipline... to enable ourselves to choose what we know of as being beneficial, in spite of what our "minds" may be telling us otherwise.

Often easier said than done. It is convincing ourselves of the value of doing something prior to actually doing it. For example, we can always listen to the excuses or justifications in our head to not do something... like got to the gym, go for a walk, get on the treadmill, go to our designated class... We will always feel better after, say, going to the gym. Most think that it is because of the physical workout... which is partially true... I'm not disputing that.

However, what is more important is that we have challenged and defeated that voice in our head that said not to do what brought us joy!

For today, be extraordinary. Step outside the normal boundaries of your mind... just one step!

Until later,
Leland

www.CounsellingandMediation.com
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

new phone number

2011-04-01T15:11:00.000-04:00

My new office number for the Collingwood area is:
705 999 2107
Please change your records accordingly

This is cool!!!!

2011-04-01T13:58:00.000-04:00

Add the last two digits of the year you were born to the age you will turn to this year...

For example:
(19) 5 8 (year born)
(turning) 5 3 (will be 53 this year)
10 11
Is the answer 10-11?

Ask how I know this!!!

Until later,
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
www.CounsellingandMediation.com
705 999 2107
905 510 9117

What channel are you watching?

2011-03-30T07:15:00.001-04:00

What do you find your mind drawn to?

What seems to be entertaining you?

What do you think about in a more consistent manner?

Are we compelled to be thinking in a certain way?

Can we re-train our little brains to entertain another possibility?

We seem to want to find someone else or a situation to point at and say (with shock), OMG! How could they do that? Look what they did! Look what they're wearing!

I'm never going to be like .... _______________ fill in the blank here... (could be my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, like her, like him, like them....)

And we wonder why we have conflict?????

Let's try to look at the GO sign... not the STOP sign!

If your focus seems to want to go where you're not getting positive benefit... you can re-train and consider an alternative. We cannot change our default thinking.... however, we can expand, add and choose a more beneficial focus.

The Answer

2011-03-30T06:35:00.000-04:00

We often already have the answer we seek, we just don't want to listen! Yabutt!

Tai Chi helps elderly Depressed

2011-03-29T08:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressed-elderly-cheer-up-with-tai-chi.html
Interesting! I've been thinking about teaching tai chi at the senior's home and this helped.

Lost Beatle Pictures!

2011-03-29T08:25:00.000-04:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-marion/lost-beatles-photographs_b_840775.html#s258101

I could probably never get enough Beatles info (getting nostalgic) and this is an interesting add...

Riddle me this... What can't be googled?

2011-03-29T08:16:00.000-04:00

Ok.... riddle me this....
What can't be Googled????????

Empty nesters

2011-03-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

Only 6 more days before the youngest leaves on his worldly adventure to New Zealand... leaving us... (sigh)...(bigger sigh)... alone!
I'm very excitied for him. He's worked so hard to have this in his life and I know he'll be challenged, extended and enjoy. I admire and respect his ability to suspend fear and create!
Thank God for technology so we can pretend he's physically closer...Watch out world... he's coming atchya.

Winter

2011-03-26T17:35:00.000-04:00

Anyone want to join these people?

Is your pet entertaining?

2011-03-25T14:56:00.000-04:00

Does your cat constantly climb up your screen? Mine does....
We have two of them that like to climb, scratch, claw, defecate, and then purr their way into my heart... It's not fair!

Terms of Engagement

2011-03-25T07:48:00.001-04:00

There are always points of conflict and struggle that seem to naturally occur in relationships. Most people are uncomfortable and fearful of these times and even when not, the situations are often mishandled.

It seems that it may be benficial, more productive and efficient if we were to establish more reasonable terms of engagement that are less conflictual, less volatile and more understanding and peaceful... at least that would be my preference.

Let's say you see two children arguing or fighting in the school yard. You intervene and "break up" the fight. If you were to ask, "OK, Who started it?". What response would you expect? Typically you'll see two fingers pointing at each other and the verbal response will be... "he (or she) did!

It is as if we actually believe at that point of conflict that "he (or she) made me do it!" It all his (or her) fault! If this is really true then, we actually lose complete control of our own bodies (and minds) in conflict and are controlled by another person. If it can happen then, and we're not responsible, why not just say it all the time... we're never really in control, we're being controlled by the world. We're therefore, not responsible for our own actions!

I don't think sooooo! In fact, it is the exact opposite that is true. It is only us (as individuals) that are in control!

[SIDEBAR] - The truth about what real psychotherapy is - the creation of a trusting, honest and integral relationship where there is a direct experiential learning - that it is not the world that does onto me, but what I that do onto the world!

So, when we learn that we are not, in fact, controlled by the world, we need to re-establish more creative and productive means of engaging with each other, particularly in times of conflict.

Even when there are times when one (or both) [assuming there's only two people involved - think of the two children in the school yard] recognise that hurt has been experienced as a result of the "exchange"...
one person in the exchange says, "you hurt me!". Often the automatic response to this will be what I term as a "yabut" response.... either "ya but you hurt me too", or "I didn't mean to" or "you started it first".

So, here's a new guideline/rule for times of conflict... If, for whatever reason, you feel you have been hurt (slighted, insulted, unheard, misunderstood, attacked) you may want to "express" that feeling to the object of your concern. Finger out, you point (shoot back, defend, protect, attack) and let er rip! (this can be done in the most subtle of ways to the most extreme... it's a continuum).

You want the other person to do what at that moment? Not be defensive, exclaiming "YABUT you" or "YABUT I". No, more likely you would want them to attend to what you are expressing... to listen. To do anything else tends to make the situation worse. Not listening suggests and re-enforces the "attack". The content of what you're experiencing gets lost as you slip into the abyss of conflict... again.

Listen.... hhhmmmm. The truth is in conflict (and at all other times) we all have our own personal and individual ways and means of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting the events of our lives. If we all have our own "truth", then most arguments must be about you trying to convince another that their "truth" is not real, and your truth, therefore, must be. They will not be really "listening" and you will not feel "heard" until we hear agreement or compliance... all the time feeling that if we do that, then we're giving our "right" to be "right" and it is our "job" to instruct, manipulate, coerce others to accept our "righteousness", our "truth". The paradox is established (and it's not my fault!)

So, if conflict is "caused" by this perception that unless others are in complete, total and absolute agreement (oxymoron), we have a problem... we will always be in conflict... always under attack... always needing to be on guard...

The other side is that if we understand that everyone has their own perception, for whatever reason other than willfully engaging in conflict, we need to all consider that all conflict is a trap of sorts, keeping us out of peace. That the conflict is avoidable because we are all entitled to and will always have a different individual experience with our "life". We do not have to continue to feel attacked or unheard just because someone else doesn't "get it" or understand it. We don't have to walk around feeling the sense of impending threat... not if it's going to happen... but when and by whom?

Doing so, does not allow living in fear... we can be cautious without being "in fear". The threat is our own perception. When we await it, anticipate it... guess what happens? [sorry, that's a little redundant and sarcastic... isn't it?] We are sensitive to that situation occurring and it then happens... and we say, "How'd that happen... again?"

Try, today, to listen without fear, without judgment. Understand that we all have our perceptions and it's as difficult for you to understand another person's perception as it is for them to understand yours. Attempt to understand what's behind the perception. Ask questions about the perception, without being defensive or judgmental. Knowing now what being defensive, etc. does... just creates more conflict.

Until later,
Leland Clipperton

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/

705 443 8290

905 510 9117

Gratitude

2011-03-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

We have all heard it (and perhaps said it) before.... this is not re-inventing nor inventing the wheel....

BE GRATEFUL!...

you know.. you should be more grateful!... Count your blessings! yeh, yeh, yeh... enough already.

We typically have a defensive responsive at the time because we're busy not being grateful and don't want to hear... blah, blah, blah...

Why should I be more grateful when I don't have what I want? or what I have... or at least part of it... sucks!? Don't most of us think that... perhaps quietly, secretively?

We have this seemingly innate need to believe in our own deprivation. We can easily focus on what we don't have, or on what we do have that’s wrong… rather than looking differently at the reasons why we have what we have.

I need to tell you that it's a different experience when you realize that we are creators, or at least co-creators of our lives. It is not the external that is creating the belief in deprivation... it is our interpretation. We do this so that we can justify blaming our situation, other people, etc. and not take responsibility for what we don't have (or do have)... all the time forgetting that it is us who is interpreting that information.

When we understand that this MUST be the case (we’re the only ones making the decisions), then we can begin to take more responsibility to consciously make (create) different interpretations, to make more informed decisions to not blame.

I often tell clients that the most difficult and challenging part about sitting across from me is becoming fully self-accountable and self-responsible... and that the best part about sitting across from me (their therapist) is becoming fully self-accountable and self-responsible...

This does two things… it relieves us of the identity of being victims (or at least makes that more difficult) and that we do have the ability and control to create the desired changes. We don't have to wait for the situation, other person or circumstance to change in order for us to feel better... be different.

In the end we are self-directed... on some level it is only our decisions that direct and guide us... we are, like or not, in control (which is a good thing!). What we suffer from is ignorance, misinformation and making less conscious, uninformed decisions.

To take your desires (things you feel you don't have or alternatively… things you have that you don’t want) and make them real... something needs to change. It's not that you can't have that (whatever that is), but it is our task then to figure out what we're doing right now that is disabling us to acquire/accomplish that which we are really choosing (on some level) to not have! It could be that you are secretly telling yourself that your won't have or can't have whatever (or whoever), that you will never have... whatever... you don't deserve it, you're unworthy, it's too hard to get anyway, it'll take too long, you're not smart enough, it costs too much... whatever the justification is... you WILL believe in it and it WILL seem very real.

What we can forget is that... isn't it us that is creating that focus, that interpretation, that justification, that reality????

Do you want to change this old habit? Try something different (but not that unique!)

One way to put this change into practice right now... TODAY... is by expressing gratitude.

Focus on saying thank you... to yourself, to others... yes, for EVERYTHING! You, after all, chose to have "it" (being an undesirable) there in your life anyway... didn't you? (you just may not have realized it?)

You, after all chose to have "it" in your life, or not in your life. There must be a reason... Let's figure that out and maybe it'll open up another door. What have you got to lose? How much will it cost you to practice being grateful?

You don't even have to really believe the practice of saying thank you to have the practice change your attitude, your outlook, your approach. The idea is to metaphorically shake up the tree a bit. Others will respond differently to you. Take note of the differences YOU are creating! … within yourself and in others.

Being "in control" is actually a good thing. Remember, if our lives are something we (at the least) co-create, then... if there is part of it you want to change... there is no real reason that it can't, other than what we "make up" and then justify and make real in our minds. If we can do that, then we can attempt other methods that will, at the least, create a different result... and therefore a more informed decision.

Also remember that you cannot change a problem on the same level it was created at! What if abundance really is there/here for us to enjoy... today!

Until later,

Leland

Help is here.
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Is the World Ending?

2011-03-13T00:15:00.001-05:00

If you've been watching or listening to the news lately, it's hard to avoid hearing about the catastrophic occurrences right now around the world...

What thoughts come to your mind????

I reminds me somewhat of how I felt when I heard about the first plane hitting the World Trade Centre. I was driving my son to school and listening to the radio... by the time I got home the second had hit and I was mesmerized and in shock, spending the day glued to the TV... indelibly etched into my little brain!

But I remember sitting in my classroom in grade five when the announcement came over the loudspeaker that President Kennedy had been assassinated! How could a nine year old even know about that stuff? and yet I still remember being struck with a powerful sense of grief and fear. I remember hearing and talking about how he had saved the world from the possible destruction from the Bay of Pigs conflict... we had to hide out under the stairs with our meager food provisions in case of nuclear attack...

and I remember (a little more recently) when Princess Diana was married (July 29, 1981) at her fairytale wedding as seen by 750 million people (me included) followed by the sadness and grief when she died August 31, 1997. (again, both times I was glued to the TV afraid to miss anything).

I seem to be gripped by a couple thoughts when these events occur... where is my family? I want to be with them! I want to be with those I feel connected to and have a loving experience with.

It makes me wonder... if the world really was going to end next week (and each of our individual worlds will end at some point), what would you want to do? What is important to you? Does it shift your priorities at all? How long would you wait to do what you wanted to do?

Why should we wait? Maybe we should consider what our real priorities are? Who is really important in our lives? How do we really want to be spending our time? and with whom?

Why do you get up in the morning?

Until later,
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

More about love

2011-03-12T12:54:00.001-05:00

Most of us consider love to be something desirable and often missing from our lives. It is important to consider how we are defining that experience/feeling/behaviour.

What is love to you?

It's no wonder we get confused about that elusive concern!

Recently Exhart Tolle was interviewed about love in relationships and I thought that his comments were worthy of repeating... His web site is http://www.eckharttolle.com/

Th following is an exerpt of that interview:

ET: What is conventionally called "love" is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You are looking to someone to give you that which can only come to you in the state of surrender. The ego uses that person as a substitute to avoid having to surrender. The Spanish language is the most honest in this respect. It uses the same verb, te quiero, for "I love you" and "I want you." To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of "not enough," of anger and hate, which are closely related. These are facets of an underlying deep seated feeling in human beings that is inseparable from the egoic state.

When the ego singles something out and says "I love" this or that, it's an unconscious attempt to cover up or remove the deep-seated feelings that always accompany the ego: the discontent, the unhappiness, the sense of insufficiency that is so familiar. For a little while, the illusion actually works. Then inevitably, at some point, the person you singled out, or made special in your eyes, fails to function as a cover up for your pain, hate, discontent or unhappiness which all have their origin in that sense of insufficiency and incompleteness. Then, out comes the feeling that was covered up, and it gets projected onto the person that had been singled out and made special - who you thought would ultimately "save you." Suddenly love turns to hate. The ego doesn't realize that the hatred is a projection of the universal pain that you feel inside. The ego believes that this person is causing the pain. It doesn't realize that the pain is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being - not being at one with yourself.

The object of love is interchangeable, as interchangeable as the object of egoic wanting. Some people go through many relationships. They fall in love and out of love many times. They love a person for a while until it doesn't work anymore, because no person can permanently cover up that pain.

Only surrender can give you what you were looking for in the object of your love. The ego says surrender is not necessary because I love this person. It's an unconscious process of course. The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting. It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself. When that happens, a completely different kind of love is present which is not subject to love / hate. It doesn't single out one thing or person as special. It's absurd to even use the same word for it. Now it can happen that even in a normal love / hate relationship, occasionally, you enter the state of surrender. Temporarily, briefly, it happens: you experience a deeper universal love and a complete acceptance that can sometimes shine through, even in an otherwise egoic relationship. If surrender is not sustained, however, it gets covered up again with the old egoic patterns. So, I'm not saying that the deeper, true love cannot be present occasionally, even in a normal love / hate relationship. But it is rare and usually short-lived.

Whenever you accept what is, something deeper emerges then what is. So, you can be trapped in the most painful dilemma, external or internal, the most painful feelings or situation, and the moment you accept what is, you go beyond it, you transcend it. Even if you feel hatred, the moment you accept that this is what you feel, you transcend it. It may still be there, but suddenly you are at a deeper place where it doesn't matter that much anymore. The entire phenomenal universe exists because of the tension between the opposites. Hot and cold, growth and decay, gain and loss, success and failure, the polarities that are part of existence, and of course part of every relationship.

KE: Then it's correct to say, we can never get rid of the polarities?

ET: We cannot get rid of polarities on the level of form. However, you can transcend the polarities through surrender. You are then in touch with a deeper place within yourself where, as it were, the polarities no longer exist. They continue to exist on the outer level. However, even there, something changes in the way in which the polarities manifest in your life when you are in a state of acceptance or surrender. The polarities manifest in a more benign and gentle way.

The more unconscious you are, the more you are identified with form. The essence of unconsciousness is this: identification with form, whether it is an external form (a situation, place, event or experience), a thought form or an emotion. The more attached to form, the more unsurrendered you are, and the more extreme, violent or harsh your experience of the polarities becomes. There are people on this planet who live virtually in hell and on the same planet there are others who live a relatively peaceful life. The ones who are at peace inside will still experience the polarities, but in a much more benign way, not the extreme way in which many humans still experience them. So, the way in which the polarities are experienced does change. The polarities themselves cannot be removed, but one could say, the whole universe becomes somewhat more benevolent. It's no longer so threatening. The world is no longer perceived as hostile, which is how the ego perceives it.

KE: If awakening or living a life in an awakened state does not change the natural order of things, duality, the tension between the opposites, what does living a life in the awakened state do? Does it affect the world, or only one's subjective experience of the world?

ET: When you live in surrender, something comes through you into the world of duality that is not of this world.

KE: Does that actually change the outer world?

ET: Internal and external are ultimately one. When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change. There are some teachers or teachings that say, nothing changes. That is not the case. Something very important does change. That which is beyond form shines through the form, the eternal shines through the form into this world of form.

KE: Is it right to say that it is your lack of "reaction against," your acceptance of the opposites of this world, that brings about changes in the way the opposites manifest?

ET: Yes. The opposites continue to happen, but they are not fueled by you anymore. What you said is a very important point: the "lack of reaction" means that the polarities are not fueled. This means, you often experience a collapse of the polarities, such as in conflict situations. No person, no situation is made into an "enemy."

KE: So, the opposites, instead of becoming strengthened, become weakened. And perhaps this is how they begin to dissolve.

ET: That's right. Living in that way is the beginning of the end of the world.

Something to consider... I'm hoping you've read the whole interview... if you have... I suggest reading it again!

Until later,

Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Healing Charlie Sheen

2011-03-05T10:34:00.002-05:00

Okay... here's the big one! (and yes it is my obvious exploitation of an individuals condition).

How do we go about healing a mind that some have said is self-imposed ego maniacal; suffering from organic psychosis, too many drugs, too much alcohol, organic brain disorder... etc.

Some people are angry, some won't watch his show anymore, some profess to never having had liked him; some think he's evil; some think he shouldn't deserve to be a father, and some, are envious and jealous.

I want you to expand your thinking for a moment and consider the reason that we notice or pay attention to all of the apparent problems we see in another?

What is it about us... you know that part that makes it impossible not to look at an accident as we drive by? that makes it impossible for us to not know about Charlie Sheen? Are we genuinely concerned? or quietly entertained in some way?

I'll be the first to put my hand up to admit that it's entertaining in a bizarre, surreal kind of way.

So, here's the big one... we can heal ourselves and others on the level of the body, in a 2 dimensional manner. Problem created... problem solved. We can see the solutions almost as soon as we identify the "problem". The "problem" with this manner of "healing" is that it assumes varying levels of pain, of distress, etc., all primarily interpreted by the see-er of the problem. I'm sure you can already see how this can lead to another problem ... and perhaps another solution.

In the case of Charlie, he should go to counselling, he should go to re-hab, he should eat better, he should exercise more, he should focus on his work and his kids...

The solution fits the interpretation on a body kind of level... What he doesn't see and what we all have difficulty with is that there is only one healing... the healing of the mind. It is the mind that creates, projects, manifests, defends against and gathers evidence to support itself and it's beliefs.

It is our decision to be focused on and believe in our guilt that needs to be healed. We are then angry about it, frustrated by it, project it out into the world and then need to blame others or other circumstances for "it" which we created in the first place.

Albert Einstein said that we cannot resolve a problem on the same level that it was created at.
We need others to help, we need other minds to remind us to remind ourselves... we need to not feel guilty (or create guilt) for our innocence and ignorance.

The key to healing is understanding, clarifying and FORGIVENESS. and remember this must be done on a different level than the level it was created at!

Although Charlie Sheen may be "entertaining" to us for the moment, there will always be a replacement for this entertainment until we heal. Until then let's focus on becoming more aware, waking up, understanding, and forgiving. Start with you... we'll work on the rest of the world later.

Until later,
Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Spiritual Healing... an oxymoron?

2011-03-04T14:44:00.002-05:00

I have been graciously invited to speak at the All Saints Church in Collingwood March 16 on the topic (of all things!) of An introduction to Spiritual Healing.

My fear is that if any of the participants read this beforehand, they may not attend, however, my guarantee to them is that they will all feel/be healed by the end of the experience!

This topic is probably a book on it's own and I'm sure I could/will receive many arguments and contrary opinions. I hope that you consider the following...

People are searching these days, perhaps more than they ever have for a solution to their distress... relationships are difficult, finances are challenging, feeling depressed, disconnected and alone.

What's the answer?????? The self-help industry is bulging with various explanations, providing what appear to be viable, plausible answers. We can find 1,000 different ways and an equal number of steps we need to take to get what we're looking for... but what is it we are all seeking so compellingly? The expression "spiritual healing" or spiritual growth" or "spiritual connection" may come to mind. We align our sense of emptiness or longing with a spiritual need to be fulfilled.

In some respects those feeling and thoughts are accurate. It is our interpretation of that feeling and the related associative thoughts that may lead us astray.

The accuracy lies in the understanding that these thoughts and feelings are indicators of an underlying belief that we are faulty, we should know better, we are therefore incompetent, inadequate and unworthy... maybe God can heal us... maybe God can accept us? The other questions are:

1. if we are thinking this way about ourselves, are we really going to believe that God (or someone else) could love/accept us anyway? Very unlikely. We will/do interpret what we hear (either in our own heads or externally) through that filter of disbelief... and in doing so strengthen our hidden belief that what we are quietly thinking must be true.

2. we are often not really clear about what it is we want healed... or how that might happen... are we all awaiting another coming of Christ... some magic answer to occur...

Remember the story about the guy on the roof of his house during a huge flood (up to the rafters!)??? (Forgive the rough interpretation)
He said that God told him he would be saved, He would come and get him. The guy lets the people in the small boat go by wanting to pick him, explaining that God was going to come to get him... they eventually went off to save others... he (a little more reluctantly) allowed the coast guard to also come and go in their boat... and then again the helicopter rescue... believing that God was going to come and get him... well guess what? He eventually drowned (yeh, I know that parts sad). On his way to see God, he was a little ticked off, to say the least... He exclaimed his anger and disappointment with God and God says... what do ya mean? I SENT YOU THE ROWBOAT, THE COAST GUARD AND THE HELICOPTER! I digress...

Back to spiritual healing... What is it about our spirits that we feel need to be healed? What do we consider to be our spirit in the first place? What have you heard? Where does your belief come from?
Is it religious? Which one? Have you ever questioned the information? How could you question the (contrary) information?

Congratulations! You've arrived at the first step. Realizing how closed we can be to new information that may challenge our very existence. Consider this as a possibility. I do not ask or suggest that you believe it... just don't immediately discard it. Be open to receiving.

Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exits...
therein lies the peace of God.

The truth of our "spirit" and it's required healing (so we think) lies in our perception. We were all taught when we were in Sunday school that God is.... love... therefore... love is God.
In my opinion all the information we got after that simply confused me... that's all I needed and all I still need.

I also believe that the opposite of love is fear and fear creates judgment to support the fear. Love is our spirit. It is simple, not complicated and has nothing to do with fear or judgment.

Then where does this fear and judgment come from???? Very good question... Ego.

Our ego's job is to individuate, to gather information respecting differences between us... between our appearances, our sex, our lifestyle, our money, our clothing, our behaviour, etc.

The truth is, the more we suspend our judgment, the less fearful we are, the more "out of ego" (easing God out)we are and the more "in God" we are. and the bonus is... we typically we feel more connected.

All these challenges, difficulties and fears are developed out our ego minds, not our spirit...

There is, nor can there be, anything "wrong" or "unhealed" about our spirit. Our "spirit" is our love, our God, our connection. Believe in it, support it, promote it, not the ego mind. It is then, our "ego" mind that requires healing... which is a whole other chapter!

Until later,
Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Changing the World... One Mind at a Time

2011-02-27T11:01:00.001-05:00

We all get stuck behind a thought (that we create!) and then proceed to gather evidence to justify the thought or belief. We create experiences which we then interpret as supporting our interpretations.

A whirlwind of insanity that is consistently repeated... and then again! So we can say... see, I told you so!, I told you I was right (eous). We need to do this in order to support our sense of reality to maintain our reality.

Psychotherapy, in my mind anyway, is not, nor should it be, about fixing a problem, or colluding with another person's belief or thought structure. It is a complex process of helping you clarify your understanding of your experience, exploring that understanding, reflecting that understanding, expanding that understanding and then altering the perception to help provide a sense of inclusion and connection; to experience your understanding through another's eyes without judgment or assumptions.

When I'm asked what modality do I use in psychotherapy, I typically answer, "client-centred"... I want to fully understand what it's like to be inside your perception. (If there's any person who's training and philosophy I follow more than other's, it's Irvin Yalom. http://www.yalom.com/ ). I want to help you understand that it is not what the world does to us... it is what we do to the world! It is to recognise the choices we make and to understand why we make those particular choices. What causes us to interpret the experiences we have the way we do?

In order to accomplish changing the world, I can only do that one mind at a time. And it's not that I'm trying to "change" your mind! It's allowing you to consider other possibilities, Possibilities that may create an expanded perspective. I need to be constantly reminding myself to be vigilant around my own process... to continue to be questioning with humility and without judgment or assumptions (yah, like that's easy to do!). (We cannot do this on our own for reasons which I hope are self-apparent.)

To continue to be intensely curious... to continue to expand my perspective by getting outside of the justified vision I have created to allow myself to consider other possibilities and not get stuck in a rigid sense of reality.
I speak to groups of people and individuals, but I know the reality is that I can only work with my mind and then help you work with yours. We can and are changing the world... one mind at a time.

Until later
Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
http://www.lelandclipperton.blogspot.com/
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

How to be a Human: Some Rules of Life

2011-02-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

Let's start with the obvious... We have a body.

Our bodies are indicators that we're “alive” (with a sense of temporary permanence). You may like your body or not, but you will have it from the time you’re born to the day you die. We all seem to have things about our bodies that are either too big or too small or not in the right place. Our genetics are the creation of our ancestors… blame them if you need to blame someone. Then, do with it what you can to keep it healthy. Look at the obvious... What do you put into your body? Is it nurished sufficiently? Do you exercise your body? enough? do you sleep enough?

We learn lessons.

We all need to learn the same things about life and how to live. It’s a full time job. Everything we experience is a potential lesson and it never seems to end. Just when we think we get something, we don't. What's in your rear view mirror?

We will experience mistakes.

Mistakes seem to be part of growing. Now, chhhilll.... relaaaax... We can only make decisions based on what we know at the time we made that decision… it cannot then be a “mistake”. We can, however, learn from the information we acquire following a decision (that creates the “mistake”) to assess our criteria for that decision.

We repeat lessons.

We tend to bang our proverbial heads against the wall until we reduce our resistance and the “new” information sinks in. Until then, be prepared for the same old… same old!

We create our own lessons, so we need to address them.

Our job is to become aware of the obstacles we present to ourselves. The more we blame, the more pain we will experience. Our problems are often an indicator of a quietly held belief or issue that we need to deal with. Challenge your resistance, be brave and have faith.

The world changes when we change.

Change is a conscious practice that creates wisdom. When we alter our beliefs, we expand our ability to manage our lives and feel empowered.

The grass isn’t greener over there.

It’s better to not avoid or procrastinate your current situation by thinking that something else is better. Use the circumstances to “correct” where you are and then you’ll move forward on your journey.

The world is our mirror.

If we don’t like something or if we do like something it will be because we have a personal attachment for a reason… we need to figure out what that reason is to help us with our sensitivities.

We are driving the bus.

Only we are responsible for the direction of our lives through our actions, our choices and our beliefs.

Our mind is the projector, the world our screen.

Our conscious and subconscious mind directs us and guides us. How we think is manifested in our world, exposing our hidden and not so hidden beliefs. All is shown to us in time.

Fear and judgment is the opposite of love.

These two polarized states of mind can not co-exist. Love is unconditional acceptance. It is our willingness to extend ourselves to nurture our own or someone else’s spiritual growth.

Our minds are pattern making machines

It’s our way of developing our illusions of control over reality. It’s also why we tend to repeat our circumstances, sometimes without knowing it.

We are resistant to our own patterns.

We like to find someone else or some situation more accountable than our own minds. Our resistance makes it easier to justify not learning or forgetting what would be beneficial to us.

Trust what you know.

Thinking is a lower state of being than knowing. Thinking is either doubting what we know or attempting to acquire new information. Trust what you know.

Memory is not fallible, learning is.

When we are open and non-resistant at the point of learning, we remember our learning… when we are anxious, uncomfortable and resistant, the information doesn’t enter the mind in the same way and it’s much more difficult to remember. Doesn’t it seem better to be open and challenge our resistance.

Until later
Leland
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/

Judgment

2011-02-19T08:47:00.000-05:00

None of us like to think that we "judge" (or at last don't like being caught in the act or think we are doing it on purpose). Most of us consider judgment as a form of looking for or creating negative information... typically about somone else. Some use it as a form of entertainment...

Is "judging" normal? What's the purpose of this? What is the fimiliar outcome? Why do we do it... and sooooo frequently....?

Is it a comparison to allow ourselves to feel better? If we are critical or find fault in another person then at least we can say that "we don't do that!" or "look like that" or "aren't that way"... Even in our "positive judgment" we tend to be comparing... noticing differences... Why?

What then draws our attention to "that" in the first place and then cause us to place judgement?

Our judgments allow us to hold our typically thought patterns and beliefs in place.

We construct a sense of reality that we maintain through obtaining ongoing evidence to support that sense of reality. We forget that that evidence is biased due to our interpretation of the reality we construct. Follow?

This is an important recognition in order to alter our circumstances and why our judgments are important to notice. It also can explain why we tend to be repetitive.

When we are able to be more objective, we notice patterns of judgment... themes, if you will, that indicate our personal sensitivities, our inner beliefs.

This is the reality of what drives us, what motivates our conscious behaviours. Our attempt to hold the patterns in place. We develop a familiarity with our patterns and become entrenched with them, support them, believe in them... often to the extent that considering alternatives becomes seemingly impossible.

It takes conscious effort and an act of faith to extend ourselves beyond our patterns of belief. We only need to believe the world to be this way because we don't really understand it and need to feel a sense of control over our chaos.

It makes sense that our judgments then occur for a reason... and I'm not judging that you have judgments! It occurs for a reason.... write down what you feel judgmental about... the patterns... the themes. This information is critical to your fundamental change potential and may provide reasons for the pattern re-occurring.

Until later
Leland

Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T08:24:00.001-05:00

Is this a day of celebration of love in your life? Is it about that special gift? That special person?
For some, it is a day of regret, of loss, of depression...

The kind of love most associated with this day, is typically about romantic love created from our limited sense of what that kind of love is.

We can also look at how much we like someone, how much we enjoy their company, how much we may think of them in their absense, what our personal preferences and tolerances may be, are we comfortable with them, are they our friends, do we trust them, do they have our back?.

All the couples I've worked with, whether through counselling or mediation, have been different to each other... every couple! It shows me that our life partners are supposed to be different (our friends tend to be more similar). It creates a perfect balance... a ying - yang... One is usually more intraverted, the other extraverted; one a thinker, the other a feeler; one sensory, the other intuitive, etc. and it makes sense...

If you were able to have 2 people help you solve a problem, picking people with differing perspectives and approaches will create more information which will help you make a better decision.

The trick (if there is one) is to understand that the differences that attract us in the first place, can become a personal threat or a threat to the relationship. Remember that he/she is supposed to be different and our job is to learn and grow from that difference... to expand ourselves and challenge our tolerances.

Love is available for all. Don't just think about romantic love... think about all love, parents, friends, children, co-workers, etc.

Happy Valentine's Day

Until Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
www.Twitter.com/lelandbytweet
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Misery Loves Company!

2011-02-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

We all know this expression... but don't want to admit it, nor say that (sssshhhhh... quietly now) we have misery in our lives.

With the opportunity I've offered for free sessions... I've heard from more than one person, that yah, I've got problems (issues) but I don't want to (not ready to) do anything yet...

We all put ourselves into a postition where we are experiencing discomfort in some fashion or another and then do three things....

1. "I'm not accountable for what I did to put myself here" ("I didn't do it") and....
2. "There's no other option" ("what are gonna do anyway?") and/or
3. "It's not going to work anyway" ("It won't make a difference").

Even when viable options are presented to us, we balk at those options and will not consider or accept them as possibilities....

Here's the paradox (do you see it yet?)

If we say we're unhappy, disturbed, unsettled (or however else you may choose to describe your misery) then why wouldn't we even consider alternatives?????????

Try, just for a day, practising acceptance of viable options... just to see. The worst that can happen is that you'll have more information than what you had before trying something different.

Remember that repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results doesn't work.
Let's help ourselves and each other out of this old repetitive pattern!

For those who are begining to understand the theme in my teachings, I'd like to hear from you.
I know that some don't want to know... want to be able to continue to blame and find fault...
Some "get it" on varying levels and are having difficulty with application (the majority of us)
Others occasionally experience peace through application of these principals...

If we are experiencing misery... of course we need a reason(s) for this. Having others collude with our misery is practically a requirement! The scary part is... what if, in our own way, we are all doing this?

Remember... seek out options, consider them, try them out.
Tomorrow... Valentines... love.... hhhmmmmm.

Until later,
Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
www.twittier.com/lelandbytweet
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

only 12 sessions left!

2011-02-12T08:40:00.001-05:00

There are 12 free sessions left.
Email or call today to get yours!

Until later
Leland

http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
705 443 8290
905 510 9117

Celebrating 17 years!

2011-02-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

A GIFT FOR YOU FROM http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/

CELEBRATING 17 YEARS IN BUSINESS

complimentary one hour session with Leland

17 sessions given away… absolutely free of charge

If you feel someone you care about may benefit from using this gift, I encourage you to… pay it forward

First come…first serve. Don’t miss this opportunity!

Must make your appointment by March 1, 2011.

No cancellations are accepted once appointment is booked.

One coupon, one gift per person ($100 dollar value)

(additional sessions available at regular fees)

Healing minds, one person at a time.

- Thank you for all your support over the years -

print page and cut off coupon to bring to appointment or give away

Appointment contact: Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

Collingwood 705-443-8290

Mississauga 905-510-9117

Book your complimentary appointment today or pay it forward.

Perchance to Dream

2011-02-09T08:26:00.000-05:00

Are you living the dream you really want or are you living the dream you don't want?

Is your focus on what you don't have or on what's wrong with what you do have? ... perhaps a shift in focus is what's required!

It may be that you may not be clear about what you want... simple question... not always easy to answer.

Focus on what you feel good about, what excites you, what you look forward to in your day... For now, set aside any thoughts of how you might achieve/acquire these (assuming you don't have them yet).

The exercise is only to clarify what you want... what do you want to be doing?, where do you want to be?, what do you want to be?, what do you want to have?

Until later,
Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

Mind's eye

2011-02-05T08:18:00.001-05:00

We all tend to have recurring thoughts that may seem to distract us from what we "should" be thinking about... in some ways we're all a little ADD...

What do you tend to be drawn to in your thoughts? What seems to be your focus, in spite you telling yourself not to think about ______ ?

Or, alternatively, what do you try to not think about? Remember one of the "rules of our brain" (found elsewhere in my blog)... what we try to not think about is what we think about!

Instead of struggling with this process, consider it as something natural... even helpful! After all, there must be some reason why our minds get taken to certain places.

Consider that our thoughts are not always meant to be taken literally... but rather figuratively. Our thoughts are indicators of our inner beliefs... our subconscious and perhaps the very obstacles that disable us from actually having/obtaining what we want?

Why don't we have what we say we want and why do we have what we say we don't want?
Hhhhmmmmmm?

This is a difficult, challenging (if not impossible) process to conduct in our own little minds. Most find it easier/neccessary to get help when we are willing to explore this further. It is difficult to amend a problem that we created in the first place.

Until later
Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

Creative Intelligence - an oxymoron

2011-01-23T09:40:00.000-05:00

So you and I have just found out (like we didn’t know it before) that there is a creative intelligence that exists in all of us… even if you didn’t believe it before… it has to be true! What one has… we all have… like it or not (even though our egos would have us think otherwise!).

The difficulty that I have discovered (again… like I didn’t know before!) is that I can lack the discipline to act on this creative intelligence. How do we bring about the appropriate application that will stop us from joining the masses of humanity that sit on their proverbial thumbs watching the world go by, making justifiable excuses to not do something, not accomplish something, not try something….

“I’m tired, I’ll do it later”, or “I don’t know enough” (kinda like I’m not smart enough), or “it’s too hard”, or “it won’t work anyway” or “I don’t deserve it” (usually more quietly admitted)!

I can stop myself before even starting if I’m not careful to not stop at the stop sign. My impulse (default thinking) is to enjoy and listen to the justification, not to listen to the potential benefits of a particular application.

Some of you may remember the question that changed how I work with clients… If I don’t have what I think I want in my life… why not? What is the obstacle that I/we present that disables and justifies not moving forward? Answer that riddle and fly forward… go beyond limitation!

So, on a more concrete note about application… I’ve discovered that there is likely a direct connection with how much I write with how much I’m reading. Eureka! Another revelation. Read more = write more… Write more = read more… hhhmmmmmmm. The “secret” is mindful discipline to set a schedule, to not watch tv, to be mindful of all the excuses that I can entertain myself with to not do something…. Instead of to do something!

Until later
Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
Leland@CounsellingandMediation.com

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-01T11:28:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

My “resolutions”:

I resolve to:

1. Be light on my feet

2. To act with stealth & grace

3. To be purposeful

4. To be positive

5. To look for the good in others and myself

6. To be cautious, not fearful

7. To be committed to my desire

8. To do something daily to move my life forward

9. To write it down… with a timeline… and specific application

10. To be healthy

11. To be active, not reactive

12. To be creative

13. To trust and use my intuition

14. To plan fun

15. To have fun

16. To play

17. To read

18. To call more

19. To be kind

20. To be adventurous

21. To work purposefully

22. To get things done in a timely manner

23. To always be “in love”

24. To practice my practice… walk the talk

What are yours?

Ninety year old Wisdom!

2010-09-11T18:53:00.000-04:00

My wonderful Mom is a bright, articulate and kind ninety year old woman with a mass of wisdom. My wife asked her for some advice on her birthday and this email is her response:
I hate the words "growing old" meaning wearing out or becoming used up or losing mental abilities or any or all of those vague phrases that are used. And the idea of judging people by their appearance is just plain silly. In the first place, who are we to say that this or that type of facial feature or body contour is ideal -these statements are usually made by a fashion specialist who doesn't really give a darn about anyone else anyway.

However, having said that, I can admit that as I grew up there were times when the contours of my skin and the placement and shape of my limbs were a concern . But, apart from careful cleansing and the intake of nourishing food elements, what else can anyone do? And now that I am safely past all the development stage it seems to have been foolish to have used up so much time living up to someone else's opinion of how I should look.

We were given the blessing of a piece of equipment - our body - which had a limited amount of time to use depending, to a certain extent, on how we treated it; therefore, we should do our duty by it and enjoy the time it lasted. This age you are in is only the beginning of what could be the best years of your life - it certainly was for me - enjoy!

Have a wonderful "growing old" - there's much time left.

Love, "Ninety"